


Loss and Faith can over-complicate matters already complicated!

by kapakoscheisigma



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Canon Divergence, Childhood Sexual Abuse, First Time, Flashbacks, Homophobia, M/M, Survivor sexuality, Unhappy Childhood, non-canon relatives, racism (or specism?)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-17
Updated: 2012-05-04
Packaged: 2017-11-03 20:26:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/385576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kapakoscheisigma/pseuds/kapakoscheisigma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bashir and Garak finally get together, but along the way things are not easy, particaulary when Bashir's mouthy, strong, radical sister turns up on the station.</p><p>This deals in detail with Bashir's struggle to come to terms with his sexuality and his childhood</p><p>This diverges from canon probably mid season 3. In my universe, the playing about with his genetic make-up was the least of his family's abuse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Bashir and Garak were having lunch together, as usual, except Garak seemed a little tetchy and distracted, or perhaps even downright irritable. Even when he spoke it was in a series of unconnected non-sequiturs. He had asked Julian his opinion on mixed species relationships and when Julian said he had not given it much thought, Garak had snapped, "I can see that, my good Doctor," with so much nasty infliction on the 'good' it sounded an insult. Then he mentioned Julian's sporadic dating, Leeta and Jadzia, viciously pointing out that after one date Julian always had a good friend but never a girlfriend. 

"Perhaps I value friendship more!" Julian was goaded into snapping back.

"Then why date, my dear?" Garak sneered, strangely dropping the 'doctor' part.

Julian shrugged. "Maybe its human social convention," he offered.

"Or a pointless waste of time. You act as if you want to be Dax as opposed to love her."

"So? I do admire her and I do love her. She's my best friend."

"Aren't I?"

"Yes."

"Two best friends!"

"Why not? Why are you getting at me? What have I done to offend you?"

Garak ignored him and looked about the Replimat. Julian looked down and began to aimlessly pick at his food. Garak watched a Star Fleet couple leave, he human, she Vulcan.

"You never said if you think mixed species relationships work, " he prompted.

"No, I didn't. They plainly do work," he said, also watching Lieutenants Jackson and T'Vet.

"You never told me why you're irritated with me?"

"One must understand each others courtship rituals I would suppose."

"Oh? Oh. Oh!" Julian stood up. "I've got to go ... very busy..."

"Interesting..." muttered Garak, then with some authority, "Sit down, Doctor." Julian took a step back from the table, so Garak raised his voice a tone, "Julian, you will sit down."

"You've never called me Julian," he said, sitting down.

"And may I?"

"Why?" Julian narrowed his eyes with suspicion.

"It's your given name."

"True."

"And it's pretty."

Julian's eyes widened.

"And so are you."

Julian's eyes grew to the size of saucers.

"But you've always known I think you're pretty."

Julian looked down, blushing.

"Too pretty for a woman. That's why I think they're just your friends."

Bright red by now, Julian whispered, "Garak, stop, please."

"Why?"

"I don't like it."

"Why? Because you're a red blooded heterosexual? If the answer's yes I'll stop." Garak stared intensely at Julian, who lowered his eyes, veiling them with long, black lashes.

"Of course the answer is no, isn't it? Yes I can see it is, I know it is, I've always known it is."

Julian looked up as if he was about to protest, but no words came. He didn't know what to say. He felt sick and afraid and excited and flattered all at the same time. He'd never been able to tell a direct lie: pretend, yes; lie, no. When Leeta asked him directly, he'd answered her truthfully and asked her to keep it secret, which he was sure she had. How did Garak know? Because it was obvious? Or just obvious to Garak? He loved Garak, had for ages, just so scared, oh so scared. Don't want to be like this, don't want to be talked about...hated. Yes, hated. Bajorans were a spiritual people and ...and...Garak was Cardassian! Even if it were not a question of morality, no one trusted or liked Garak. Except me, admitted Julian to himself. I love him. And that is what his eyes said to Garak: I love you.

"Why are you so afraid?" Garak asked gently, not failing to read his eyes.  
"I...er...it's not..."

Garak stood up. "You're a coward, a pathetic coward." He leaned over the table and centimetres from Julian's face and said desperately, "I can't bear to be near you anymore,” and then he whispered, "I want to touch you all the time."

Julian seemed to shrink like a frightened child. He stared at Garak. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Garak then spat out a word in Cardassian, and walked off. One or two Bajorans looked up and giggled.

"Oh God,” Julian put his head down on his arms. Oh God, what a mess. He had no idea what he was going to do, but fortunately he was saved from decision. 

"Kira to Bashir."

"Bashir here, go ahead Major."

"Someone wants to talk to you on a secure channel."

"I'll take it in the Infirmary, Major." What was this? Something political about his work with the Bajoran refugee children or the Cardassian war orphans?

 

**

 

Five minutes later, in the Infirmary, he was face to face on the comm. with a face so similar to his own, yet feminine, softer but with a calculating hardness about the eyes and mouth that Julian could never possess. Her hair was hidden by a bright pink and grey scarf tied turban style about her head, and she wore a soft high necked grey dress with another silk scarf draped over one shoulder. She was Julian's twin sister Alessandra, yet they had not spoken in over four years. She greeted him with a humorous but cruel smile.

"As-salaam alaykum, Juliana."

"Don't call me..." Julian said through gritted teeth. Only his sister could make him this infuriated.

"As-salaam alaykum, little brother."

"You are not even an hour older than...” he began to protest but petered out as she fixed him with a hard stare, eyes so like his own only greener and colder, "Wa-laikam as-salaam, sister," he found himself replying. "How am I speaking to you? You never, ever leave Oxford."

She smiled, looking for a moment softer, "For everything there is a first time," she sounded quite deliberately like their mother. "I'm the Federation Spiritual Ambassador to the Bajora."

"You? You? When Sisko suggested, I never imagined...You!"

"Well, one of us is a diplomat, wouldn't Father be proud?"

"Do you speak to him?"

"No. You?"

"Of course not! He doesn't want anything to..."

"Hush, Julia, this is hard, you know?"

"So tell me, why you?"

"Well, it is an excellent opportunity to study these Bajoran Orbs, I am the leading expert of Comparative Religion, you know, but I think my degrees in Political Science helped," she looked down, a little embarrassed, "the Ecumenical Council wanted me out of the way, as for the Islamic Council, well!"

"What have you done?" Julian's eyes widened, his sister was capable of anything!

"Palis sends her love, by the way," she said cryptically, then changing the subject abruptly, "Interesting, the liaison officer I spoke to, a Major Kira? Doesn't think much of you."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"Well, you can be very irritating you know, and so childish. Kai Winn hates you, but I think I would take that as a compliment. I dread working with her."

"Oh, I suppose..."

"I hear you're an excellent doctor, and shaping up nicely as an officer, which is good, as after Tom's influence I thought you'd degenerate completely."

"That's not..."

"In fact, you seem to be running about with girls pretending to be something you're not. Can't you ever find a balance?"

"But to..."

"Is haraam, I suppose? So is deceit. I'd much rather tolerate two men in love and leave judgement to Allah than wake up one morning married to a degenerate, selfish pig of a fairy - sorry, you knew I was divorced?"

"Er..?"

"With Hasan, of all the men in the galaxy!"

"Don't mention him..."

"Okay, to back track, I don't think committed love is haraam, but excuse me, I know nothing, I'm only a hafiz, a sheikh and a professor of theology, I know absolutely nothing on the matter."

"So, what are you saying, Alis?"

"Oh, God made you, Juliana dearest, He does not make mistakes."

"Hasan made..."

"I thought we were not to mention him? I want you to be happy."

"I can't be, it is haraam, however liberal divorce has made you..."

"I think I know more than you, or any ancient male mullah. I am the first female full Muslim priest, Julian, first Muslim woman on the Ecumenical Council, certainly first on the Islamic Council, I've never come second at anything, double firsts in PPE and Theology, Warden of St. Hilda's, first everything really..." She broke of to stare at her brother. "What's so funny?"

"And you say I annoy people!" If he'd been this over-confident when he first got here, no wonder he irritated people. Having a twin was like having a mirror.

"Well, all I mean," Alessandra softened, "is that it's okay to be you."

"Well, maybe..."

"Juliana dear, I am at Starbase 37 awaiting transport. If you are not being honest with yourself, your friends and colleges - oh, and that interesting sounding Cardassian tailor, or is it spy? - You got my holosuite programme, did you?"

"Yes, thank you, I..."

"Where was I? Oh yes, being honest: If you are not open and honest by the time I arrive then I will tell everyone for you. To use a late twentieth century phrase: Get out of that closet, sister!"

"What!?!"

"Seven to ten days, Juliana dearest. Bashir out." She waved in the most irritatingly childish way as she broke the comm. link. Julian remembered why he hadn't said much as a child, she did all the talking for him! What was he going to do? Alessandra meant what she said, and why did she have to make him feel like a miserable failure all the time? Oh God!

 

**

 

Garak was drumming his fingers monotonously on the counter and gazing blankly into space when Julian came into his shop. He hovered uncertainly in the doorway. Garak did not turn around or acknowledge him in any way, but Julian had the feeling he knew he was there. Nervously he stepped inside. The door hushed closed.

"Yes, Doctor, can I help you?" Garak never looked around. He spoke icily. Julian had been about to speak, but felt too intimidated. Still staring into space, away from Julian, he addressed the air. "It's funny, you are always telling me to tell the truth, yet you cannot be honest with yourself. The truth? You want the truth? I was sexually attracted to you the first moment I saw you. Of course, gullible and naive, easy to manipulate - a useful Federation contact - but so sexy! It was a game, could I seduce you? Would I? But I've fallen in love with you, and it hurts to be near you. Unrequited love is pointless and painful, don’t you find? If you were genuinely heterosexual, I'm sure this would be easier to cope with, or even happy with another man, but this? I don't understand you, Doctor? Humans may be so morally superior on some things - freedom, democracy, equality, against exploitation, torture, cruelty, profiteering - but sex? When it comes to that you humans are as licentious as animals! Why, Julian, why?" Garak turned around at last and saw Julian was crying. He took an uncertain step toward him. He never expected to make him cry! "I'm sorry..." Garak began.

"It isn't unrequited," Julian whispered.

Garak crossed the room and took Julian in his arms. "Say that again?"

"I love you," Julian was barely audible, he looked into Garak's eyes, afraid yet not afraid, as it felt so right. For a long time they just stood there, Garak's arms around Julian, Julian's hands on Garak's chest. Then they kissed, or rather, Garak kissed Julian who frantically tried to push him away for a few moments before yielding, returning the kiss, stretching his arms across Garak's shoulders.

Yet, suddenly, he broke away. "No!"

Garak pushed him back, angry and confused by Julian contradictory signals, and used the Cardassian insult again.

Julian steadied himself. He was unsure why he had stopped Garak, except that everything had seemed too intense, too extreme, too sudden. "I'm sorry, I..." he began, although he didn't know how to explain.

Garak was angry at Julian's childish indecisiveness, this wasn't the first time, but it was sure as hell going to be the last! "Go away, little boy, and don't come back until you've grown up!"

"Garak, I'm..."

"Get out!"

Julian fled. Garak repeated the Cardassian word.

 

**

 

Odo looked up from his desk as Julian walked into his office. "Can I help you Doctor?"

"You speak Cardassian?"

"I am reasonably acquainted with the language."

"Good. I need you to tell me what something means." Julian repeated the word as phonetically as he was able.

"H'mm. Have you been eavesdropping Doctor?"

"No! No, Garak called..."

"Uh-huh, uh-huh. That makes a lot of sense."

"What does? Look Constable, I've already figured out that it isn't a very pleasant word, otherwise the UT would tell me, wouldn't it?"

"Well, it is a slang word, an insult, a sexual insult, a female sexual insult..."

"Well, then, it's not the first. Just tell me, Constable."

Odo looked at Julian curiously for a few moments and the replied, "The closest rendition into the human vernacular would be; `cocktease'."

Silenced, Julian's eyes widened in fear and his lower jaw dropped in amazement. He hadn't been expecting that. Odo had said that it made sense. What did that mean? Had Garak confided in Odo over one of their breakfasts? It was true that the Constable liked to know everything that went on, but...

"You humanoids are all the same," Odo was saying, "Can't see the obvious."

"But..."

"You're both male? Is that what you were going to say? Does it bother anyone, does it make a difference to the foolishness called being in love?"

"But what..?"

"Half the station already things you and Garak are sleeping together, so do not waste your time worrying about gossip Doctor."

"How..?"

"Incidentally, it was I who first pointed out your true feelings for Garak, although I believe he and Leeta gossip about you rather a lot."

"I think she keeps him in business," Julian said primly, thinking, I shall kill her, the interfering bitch; she swore she would never tell a soul!

"Why anyone would believe you are in love with Dax is beyond me," Odo went on as is he hadn't spoken. "Love? Yes. But you latch onto and love anyone and anything really, don't you Doctor?"

Julian had no idea what to say, so he just stared at Odo, flummoxed.

"I dare say Garak never meant to insult you, but he is hurting, and you do flirt with and tease him, even if you're not aware of doing so."

 

**

 

Julian went back to work - such as there was, there seemed to be a complete lack of accident, injury or disease onboard the station - but by early evening he felt overwhelmed emotionally, even more by his sister than Garak. He hadn't seen Alessandra in over six years, and then they had had a row concerning their Mother and Uncle. Seeing Alessandra meant remembering childhood, and that was exceedingly painful. Also, there was her ultimatum. Did she really mean it? Most probably, knowing his twin sister: devious, manipulative and always acting on his life from motives she probably attributed to love but Julian put down to spite. But why did he feel uncomfortable with his sexuality? He wasn't particularly religious - well, not at all religious to be honest that was just an excuse. So it was not a moral issue. He was a man of science and medicine, so knew it was not a pathological or psychological condition, merely a diverse form of sexuality in a very diverse species, his own. As a specialist in multi-species medicine he knew it was innate and natural in minorities of most humanoids (even Vulcans he had recently been surprised to discover, but that's another story entirely). So, what was his problem? He didn't feel comfortable with himself, in fact, most of the time, he hated himself. Or was that his Father? He was afraid, so very afraid, not just of his sexual nature, but sex. And that was his Uncle, with a good bit of Tom thrown in. At least, Tom had hardly helped at all. Oh! Everything was too confusing!

Oh God! Why did Garak have to push him? And why did his sister have to push him? How could she know so much anyway? Now that was a silly question. She would have managed to flatter and charm Kira for as much information as she desired, and Kira would not have noticed how much she gave away. Certainly Kira would not have thought too connect him to Garak sexually. Espionage, maybe. And what of Garak? Did he really love him? Did he really feel he was being teased? And what made him suddenly act? Sexual frustration? Or Leeta? Oh God! Besides, Garak never told the truth, how could he know he was telling the truth about this? Anyway, even if he was, Garak had a cold, nasty streak buried deep down, he was Cardassian. Suddenly Julian was aware of the very alienness of Garak. Anyway, Tom always said he'd loved him, and look how he'd treated him: worse than his Father and Uncle put together! Or, was that my fault? Julian asked himself. Do I go looking for abuse? Certainly Jadzia does little for my self-confidence. Do I love Garak? Oh yes, but I'm scared to death about it.

There was only one thing to do: get drunk!

 

**

 

Quark was not keen to serve real alcohol as opposed to synthahol to one of the senior staff, but Dr. Bashir seemed to be in a state genuine enough to warrant alcohol. Still, he didn't trust him. There was that episode of the holosuite programme - a simple, personal fantasy - that Bashir had put a stop to. And then there was ... Ah! Jadzia!

Lieutenant Commander Dax walked in and Quark watched her, devouring her with his eyes. Dr. Bashir, however, hung his head and looked even more miserable, if that were possible. She greeted them both, and while Quark fawned over her and served her, Dr. Bashir still stared down at the bar, silent.

"Julian, do you want to talk about it?"

"I can't. Not to you. Not to anyone."

"Major Kira mentioned something about a Professor Bashir coming to the station. Is she a relative?"

Julian permitted himself a small snort of derisive laughter, despite the black mood. No wonder Kira had gossiped so easily. Alessandra was nothing but devious. In fact, she made Garak look as straight as a dye. Now, at this thought a little hysterical laughter escaped.

"I can see you are not in a communicative mood, Julian. Thank you, Quark." Jadzia walked away to a quiet corner.

"She is beautiful."

"Quark, I really do need to be drunk tonight," Julian returned to their original conversation.

"Because of her, the beautiful Jadzia?"

"Oh, far more serious that a stupid Judy Garland crush!" he snapped, sounding so very unlike his normal self. Quark looked at him thoughtfully.

"And what does that mean?"

"It's just an expression."

"A rather underground expression, Doctor. Now, where would you hear an expression like that?"

Julian looked trapped, "Er...The academy, maybe?"

"Only a certain type of bar," replied Quark, producing a bottle of good quality whiskey. "So, why do you need to get drunk, Doctor? I heard you and Mr. Garak row in the Replimat this lunchtime. You really should try the lunch menu here. That is, if you and Mr. Garak will be having lunch in future?" Quark poured Julian a glass; he'd already downed the first.

"I'm not sure? Do you think Garak is a spy, Quark?"

"No," Quark replied emphatically. Julian drained his glass again.

"More."

"Please Doctor. Where are your manners? Since when has anyone but you cared if Garak were a spy?"

"Well I don't think I care anymore,” Julian’s voice was slurred.

"Doctor, slow down. You know you can't hold your liquor well. Tell me what is the matter?"

Julian drank his fifth glass and wobbled uncertainly on the stool. "More."

"No Doctor, you have had quite enough."

"Haven't," Julian said childishly.

"Yes you have," argued Quark. "Tell me what is wrong. A sympathetic bar tender is often better than a counsellor."

By now very drunk, Julian said dramatically, "The professor is my twin, and if I don't tell everyone I am one hundred percent homosexual, she will," Julian wobbled precariously and added even more dramatically, "And I lurve Garak!" And he fell on the floor.

Quark slapped the side of the bar. "Hah! I knew you were getting drunk for him, it's breakfast not lunch you're after!"

Julian looked up at him from the floor in drunken astonishment. No he hadn't, he only wanted to blot out the confusion. A Klingon who had been drinking nearby helped him to his feet. He giggled and fell back and the Klingon steadied him by handling his behind. Julian giggled again, this time more than a little hysterically.

"Give him more, bar-keeper."

"I am not a bar-keeper, I am the proprietor. He has had enough. You will let go of him or I will call security." At least a metre and a half shorter, Quark stared down the Klingon, who with a growl, strode away.

"Thank you," Julian slurred.

"I believe, Doctor, you have solved one half of your problem."

"Oh God! Did Jadzia hear? Did she see?"

"I don't think so, Doctor. She is preoccupied."

"Good. I want to tell her prop-properly. God, I'm drunk! What's that?"

"It's a bottle of champagne. I've put it on Garak's bill. You may as well behave like a devious fe-male, it can be quite seductive. May I make a suggestion?"

"Wh-what?"

"Well, two suggestions. Firstly, change into something attractive..."

"What's attractive?

"Anything but that uniform I should have thought. How do I know, I'm well and truly heterosexual!" Quark snapped irritably. "Something tight fitting and revealing, I would guess." He smirked and added, "And well tailored."

"What's the second?"

"You take this champagne and yourself to Garak's quarters and..."

"And?"

"I think you'll figure it out. It's why you're drunk, isn't it?"

Now Quark mentioned it a second time, it did seem likely this was the real reason he'd got so drunk.

 

**

 

Julian stood in his bedroom in front of the full-length mirror, tugging his multi-coloured waistcoat down over his purple trousers. He undid it, then re-fastened it, then undid it again. He tugged the white pleated shirt down. He decided he was fat and sat on the bed and cried drunken, self-piteous tears. He was fat and undesirable and Garak wouldn't want him. He went back to the mirror and applied black eyeliner. Better. Still fat, but shirt and waistcoat loose, not too fat. He picked up the champagne and left. Two seconds later he returned. He had forgotten he was on call 26 hours a day, every day. He'd never, ever been as crazy as that! He stood in front of the mirror again, chewing his nails. He must be mad. He must be. He went to his bed where he had dumped his uniform, took the comm. badge and placed it on his waistcoat. Only don't, please don't, let him be needed tonight. He stopped at the door, asking himself if this was really what he wanted? He wasn't sure. He thought he loved Garak, and seemed to have lost him. Was this the answer? He was scared to death and excited at the same time. To hell with what anyone thought, this was what he wanted. That is, he hoped he was. He had probably blown it anyway, Garak would probably laugh at him and then send him away. Or worse, take him to bed, then laugh at him and send him away. Julian left before he changed his mind any more.

 

**

 

Garak wasn't quite sure he was really seeing Julian standing in his doorway, looking gorgeous out of uniform. Mutely, Julian held out the champagne. Sorry, his eyes said.

"Come in. I should apologise to you," Garak said, acting as if Julian had really spoken. He took the bottle and put it on the table. Julian followed him into the room.

"No, you shouldn't. Everything else you said is true."

"You don't know what I said."

"Yes I do, I asked Odo. I never meant to be like that."

"I know that. I'm sorry. I never meant to say those things, I'm so ashamed."

"Open the wine."

"What?"

"I'm drunk, I need to be drunker."

"Doctor, are you suggesting I get you drunk?"

"Yes."

"Why?" Garak began to open the bottle without waiting for an answer, which he didn't get anyway. Julian was looking around the room, which wasn't quite what he had expected. Still, Garak was probably the only person on the station entirely comfortable with the architecture and design of the station. His eyes fell to a framed picture of a young girl. He picked it up.

"Who is she?"

"Ishetha, my daughter," Garak said simply. That is, a simple statement for something that, to Julian, was amazing, surprising, shocking.

"Your daughter?! You're married?" His voice wavered uncertainly.

"Divorced. Really, Doctor, where would I hide a wife and daughter? They're on Cardassia Prime. I've not seen Ishy for over four years. She would be eleven by now."

Julian replaced the picture. "Do you miss her?" He crept closer to Garak and placed his hand on his arm.

"Everyday," Garak had poured two glasses, but they stayed on the table. He stood motionless as Julian slipped his arms around him, rested his head on his shoulder, kissed his neck, and ran his tongue up the ridge.

"I love you," he said gently.

Garak turned and put his arms around Julian and held him tightly, then he kissed him passionately and this time Julian neither struggled nor broke away, but returned the kisses. After a while Garak indicated towards the bedroom.

"I may need to be drunker," Julian was beginning to lose his nerve. How could he trust Garak? What if he was a spy? Or didn't understand why he felt the way he did about sex? Or worse, turned out like Tom, and Tom knew.

"Don't be ridiculous, you don't need to be out of it, do you?" Garak kissed him again, but this time gently.

Julian looked into Garak's eyes with a confusing mixture of desire and apprehension. "I'm scared," he said totally honestly, putting his trust implicitly in Garak.

"I'll never hurt you, my beloved," Garak said, and then kissed him again. To his delight he discovered Julian slight enough to pick up, so he scooped him in his arms still kissing him, while Julian wrapped his legs about Garak's hips. Garak picked up the champagne and carried both wine and Julian into his bedroom ...

 

Julian's head was in a whirl, his heart was beating too fast, he would probably die of love or desire (not a very medical opinion!). He was drunk on the alcohol, excitement and fear, and Garak's kisses and caresses. Garak had been alternatively feeding him champagne through kisses, and kissing him and licking him all over. By the time Garak went down on him he was in such a frenzy of desire he felt his head would explode. Garak then slid back up his body, holding his thighs, pushing his knees to his chest, pressing his full weight down on him. Julian began to gasp, but was silenced with a kiss. Garak' s hand then slid down his thigh, caressing buttock and entering...

"No..!" Julian pushed at Garak's shoulders while shouting.

Garak felt Julian tense before even he cried out. He also saw the confusion in his eyes. He withdrew his hand and asked gently, "Do you mean no? If you do, then by all means we'll stop, we'll do exactly what you want, okay? You have all the power here, my beloved."

"You know all about..." Julian felt more confused. "I have all the power?" He asked uncertainly. Garak's weight still pressing down on him, his knees still to his chest. "You could just take me."

"Do you think I would?!" Garak stood up, trying unsuccessfully to hide his hurt and anger. "Why do you say that? How could you think that? Because I'm a Cardassian?"

"No!" Julian sat up, scared, confused and now angry Garak had misunderstood him so much he thought he was being racist. "No, I just..." he tailed off, too afraid and guilty to explain. He stared wildly at Garak, one hand pulling distractedly at his hair, an involuntary response from childhood he wasn't even aware of doing.

"Then what?" Garak asked gently, knowing only Julian was far too irrationally scared and confused than could be normal. He raised his hand to stop Julian from pulling his own hair, which was a disturbing sight.

Julian reacted to the raised hand by backing away; curling up in a ball, covering his head with his arms and shrieking, "Don't hit me!"

"Hit you?" Garak was so disgusted at the double implication Julian thought him capable and the deeper implication of what Julian was revealing that his horrified inflection of voice reached inside Julian. He dropped his arms to hug his knees and twisted his head to look at Garak.

"I'm sorry," he said miserably. "I've ruined everything. I knew I would. I ruin everything. I'm useless."

Garak sighed heavily and sat down next to Julian, holding him tightly, like he was the child he was behaving like. "My dear Doctor, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Useless people do not get to be one of the top six Federation doctors. I know it bothers you that you graduated second in your class, but have you considered you were by far the youngest to graduate?" Julian shook his head. "Who told you that you were useless?"

"Everyone." Julian made a helpless gesture.

"And who exactly is everyone? Not I, not Dax, not O’Brien...”

"He thinks I'm useless," Julian mumbled.

"I doubt that. Who is everyone?" repeated Garak.

"Oh, my mother, her brother..." Julian sighed dramatically, and went on, "my father, Alessandra ... In fact, this is all her fault!"

"What? Who?"

"Alis, she made me ... Oh no, I don't mean that! I do love you, Garak. Please, you do believe me?" Garak just kissed his forehead and smiled tolerantly. He couldn't follow a quarter of their conversation. "I can't explain," Julian pleaded, "I can't say anything out loud, I simply can't. I didn't mean to make you angry."

"It's okay." Garak pulled Julian back down to lie next to him and pulled the quilt around them. He began to stroke Julian's hair. "It's okay," he repeated, "go to sleep. Computer: lights off."

Julian did sleep, partly because Garak told him to, and partly because after five years on the station, being the only full doctor and on permanent call, he'd had to teach himself how to just switch off to go to sleep whenever possible. Garak did not sleep, he just stared at the darkness while his arm and shoulder went numb with the gentle pressure of Julian's sleeping form. Firstly, he couldn't believe his luck after so many years of wanting Julian; here he was, in his bed. It didn't matter about the lack of sex, he'd half expected Julian to be nervous and inexperienced, and had figured out a long time ago that any previous experience he may have had in the past had been traumatic for some reason. Yet, here he was, curled up naked next to him, he should be so content. But, secondly, was it true? Had he guessed correctly? Was there something dark and sinister behind the Federation's glowing façade? Or, at least a dark, nasty Terran secret? Terrans was always so vocal about children's rights! He thought of the O'Briens with their children, how Sisko had been with Jake, and plenty of other Terran personal who shopped with their noisy, happy, carefree, undisciplined children and decided he must be mistaken. But then, what did Julian mean? Why behave like that, assume he was going to be hit? A previous boyfriend, perhaps? No, it went deeper than that, to when he said he was useless, the way he let Dax, O'Brien and others trample his feelings and ideas, his plain lack of confidence and insecurity Garak found irresistible. But then again, that behaviour was also nothing like the Bashir he knew and had come to love and respect. He had the strength to survive that telepathic coma, to come through dozens of dangerous missions intact. Oh no, unless he survived the trauma of the coma exactly because he was a survivor, a childhood abuse survivor. And if so, how did it affect them? He was just guessing, but it had shocked him to see Julian behave so childishly, after all, for a long time he had been the only one who hadn't treated Julian like a child, the first to give him any degree of respect and recognition ... well, outside the Infirmary, that was. Sisko, Dax and O'Brien still really did treat him like a kid, bright, adorable, precocious, but a child all the same. Kira and Odo had first barely tolerated him, and he could be irritating, and true he was very immature when he first arrived, but oh so desperate to be loved. Garak stroked Julian's face and looked at his sleeping form in the dim light. Well, he certainly hadn't treated him like a child. He was well aware that he was still hard, and a deep, instinctive part of him just wanted to wake Julian and take him. Let him protest all he wanted! He didn't, but even though he didn't, he pondered on whether he did really love Julian, or whether it was just lust? Either way, he felt totally responsible for Julian, protective and possessive.

 

**

 

Julian was talking in his sleep. Garak woke to hear a frightened voice pleading, protesting, begging to be left alone. Asleep, yet not, begging his uncle to stop, begging...

"Computer: Lights." Garak sat up and was confronted by the sight of Julian lying face down, pulling his hair with one hand, pushing the other into his mouth, muttering no over and over. Garak held Julian's wrists with one hand to prevent him from harming himself and shook him quite fiercely. "Julian, wake up. Wake up, you're safe, you're dreaming," no, not dreaming, but experiencing flashbacks, Garak mentally amended

It took Julian some moments to wake fully and realise where he was and whom he was with. But the fear from the dream didn't dissipate, it grew worse. What had he given away? He didn't want Garak to know, he didn't want to talk about it. A small quiet, rational part of himself knew Garak had to know, that he couldn't do this without talking about it. To prove himself wrong and to stop Garak looking at him with such concern and compassion - something out of character and disturbing in a Cardassian, maybe - Julian grabbed Garak's long hair and pulled his face to his, kissing him desperately, passionately, proving to himself he was in control, that he did want this. Garak was surprised but pleased, and anyway, he wanted Julian so much he just couldn't help but to respond. Julian pulled Garak down on top of him and while one hand played with his hair the other traced the ornate patterned ridges over his shoulder blades and spine. He stopped. I know these scars, Julian thought. Lots of Bajorans have scars like these. Were they there when he was my patient? They must have been, how could I miss..? These are torture scars! Tain..? How? Why?

Julian wanted to ask, but knew how he wanted to avoid discussing his own "scars" and anyway, Garak was now responding in kind, biting his neck, caressing his nipple, the other hand exploring his inner thigh, and all rationality was being pushed out of his head. He began to relax; enjoying what Garak was doing, but wondered why he was doing no more. He began to tense as he realised he would have to take the initiative. Garak's caresses instantly became gentler as Julian tensed. Julian to his surprise realised he really did trust Garak, that Garak must really love him. He wanted to give Garak what he wanted, but how? Garak had pushed his legs up, so Julian curled up his long legs underneath Garak and crossed his ankles across Garak's neck. Was it really possible for Garak to take him face to face? He pulled Garak's face back to kiss him on the mouth, and was surprised at the intensity he was kissed, Garak pushing his tongue so far in, an imitation of want he wanted. Julian responded by letting his mouth go slack, and he arched his back, bucking up his hips under Garak, exposing his opening to Garak's cock.

Garak stopped kissing him and looked deeply into Julian's dilated brown eyes with worried blue ones. "Are you sure?" he asked.

Julian didn't reply, but stretched one graceful arm to the floor and picked up the lubricant that Garak had discarded earlier. He pushed it in to Garak's hand.

"Are you sure?" Garak repeated.

Wide eyed, Julian nodded. "Just take me," he said, "and ignore me if..."

Garak kissed Julian again, but gently, while he greased himself. "I won't ignore you, I'll stop, I love you."

Julian bucked up his hips again, as if to catch Garak. "Fuck me," he whispered again, and closed his eyes.

Garak kept a worried watch of Julian's face as he slowly, very slowly entered him. First, he grimaced with pain and immediately tensed, taking a sharp intake of breath. Then he began to pull his hair and press his fist in to his mouth, so Garak gently took his hand and put them in his, pressing palm to palm. "None of that," he muttered decisively, but Julian didn't hear or didn't respond, he just gasped and panted, crying out as Garak began to thrust in long, slow rhythmic strokes. Garak let go of his hands and put his arms underneath him, squeezing him tightly as he drove deeper inside him, the rhythm increasing. He closed his eyes to Julian's terrified, accusing yet aroused eyes, pressing his face closer to Julian's, listening to his irregular, heavy, laboured breathing. Then it changed tack, and Julian was moaning in pleasure, kicking his legs in to the air, parting them further, allowing Garak to thrust right up to the hilt. Garak opened his eyes, but Julian's were closed. He pressed himself more heavily against Julian, squeezing his cock tightly between their two bellies, and began to rock the two of then rhythmically to his thrusts. "I love you Julian," he whispered in Julian's ear, before sucking the soft, warm earlobe. And just then he knew that he meant it, he did love Julian, his beautiful, abandoned Julian.

Julian had opened his eyes only a moment or two before, in complete surprise as the pain had melted deliciously into pleasure - he had forgotten how this happened, how the two were so exquisitely linked - when the intensity of what Garak was doing to him drove all thoughts and everything far, far away. Even where he was, who he was, although he knew who he was with, a myriad of strange sensations like the feel of the neck ridges when he rested his raised legs on Garak, the patterns on his back that Julian could feel as he clutched convulsively as Garak thrust deeper and harder. But certainly his uncle was driven away, the most insignificant being in the universe, with absolutely no power to hurt at all. Waves of pleasure rolled gently and then violently that matched Garak's strokes. Nothing he had ever experienced came close to this intensity. As he came he was screaming Garak's name over and over again.

Because Julian had come, Garak came with one long, violent thrust, and then sighing happily, his eyes closed put his head down, forehead resting on Julian's warm chest. He stayed like that a moment, and then looking up and opening his eyes, sighed happily again looking with amazement at Julian's face, eyes half closed, those long, beautiful eyelashes brushing his cheeks. He was practically sure now, from Julian's reaction, he was no virgin, nor the heterosexual he liked to pretend. His total abandonment to being penetrated was too complete, too knowing, too giving. Garak ran his tongue down the side of Julian's neck and along his shoulder blade. He had not been prepared for how frail humans were, how delicate, and oh so soft. He ran his hands now over Julian's soft, olive skin. Julian moaned in pleasure and surprise at yet more lovemaking. Garak gentle ran his hands along Julian's thighs, caressing buttocks, and then withdrew. Julian's eyes opened and he gasped in protest at the slight pain of separation. Garak kissed him full on the mouth, and Julian returned the kiss, squirming underneath him in surprised pleasure. Garak ran his fingertips gently along Julian's arm, fascinated by the soft skin with hair, soft, downy black hair, like a fledgling bird's feathers. Garak moved his mouth back to that soft, frail neck and caressed it also, strangely pleased that one gentle snap would break that neck. Julian was all softness, and gentility, and extremely physically inferior, yet male. Garak found that fascinating: everything that pleased him about sex with men and women in one body. He wanted to penetrate that soft, gentle body again, but this time not hold back, not now he knew. Why Julian had been so scared was so far in the past, surely, and he must have found a way around it before for whatever Julian may have pretended, he must have been quite a slut at some point. Why had Julian been so scared? To think of all the time they had wasted!

He sat astride Julian and looked down at him, marvelling at the skin with hair, the delicate form with no exoskeleton to protect, covered in soft down: soft curling hair on his chest, a little around his bellybutton, the nestled curls lower, both stuck down and damp with come, which mirrored the curling eyelashes and black curls on his head. Julian was looking at him with wonderment with those huge infant like eyes that could not decide if they were green or brown. Garak returned the gaze, and bent forward and kissed him again, gradually becoming more intense, driving his tongue deep inside Julian's mouth until Julian had to pull away, face flush with more fear than excitement. Garak sat up again and pulled Julian up with him, who wrapped his legs around Garak's hips. They kissed again, and then lay down, Garak pulling Julian on top of him. Julian, half kneeling over Garak, let out a surprised cry as Garak slipped his fingers in, but considering his previous frigidity, did not object. Rather he began to rock gently, engulfing Garak's fingers, slowly becoming more excited. He began to kiss Garak, but had to stop as it felt too intense to cope with. He smiled down at Garak.

"You'll just have to fuck me again."

"Oh my beloved," Garak murmured into his neck, "I was hoping you'd say that."


	2. Chapter 2

"Sisko to Bashir. Dr. Bashir?"

"Wh ... What?" sleepily Julian fumbled for his waistcoat somewhere on the floor. "Bashir here," he mumbled.

"It's 0911 hours, in case you hadn't realised Doctor. A staff meeting has been scheduled for 0900. You are not in your quarters?" Sisko couldn't keep the curiosity out of his voice.

"No, I'm not. I'm not in uniform either Captain. Do you want me on time or in uniform?"

"You won't be either Doctor, but I'd prefer it if you came straight to Ops. This won't take long. Sisko out."

Julian slowly rose from the bed and gathered his clothes. He couldn't quite get it out of his head that last night hadn't been a dream, but here he was in Garak's quarters, more than a little sore, vividly confirming last night had indeed happened. He felt too befuddled to work out exactly how he felt about it. Garak appeared in the doorway. He had been up hours, but didn't like to disturb the sleeping doctor; besides, he also wasn't quite certain how he felt. Pleased, certainly, but humans appeared to be so emotional in their relationships he wasn't sure how he'd cope with so much affection and honesty. He was also uncertain if he had done the right thing the previous night. He could tell the good doctor had wished him to ignore whatever childhood trauma he had been struggling with, but he honestly wasn’t sure if was the right thing, in the long term. He had to trust the good doctor, with his medical training, knew the best thing for himself. Garak had little experience of human emotion or memory to judge yet. 

Now they looked at each other. Garak smiled uncertainly, Julian looked down, blushing.

"I've got to go," he mumbled, hastily pulling on clothes.

"I know. I heard. I've brought you a drink." He handed Julian the glass, who drained it in one. Too much whiskey and champagne, he was hungover and dehydrated on top of everything else.

"Kassa juice?" he asked, pleased. A huge Vitamin C dose was exactly what he needed.

"It was a safe bet. You love Vulcan food and tea, so why not juice?"

Julian frowned. "My mother lives on Vulcan," he said by way of explanation. Garak wasn't sure what this meant. In five years of lunching with the doctor he hardly mentioned his family, never before his mother. Garak had even wondered if she were dead, but apparently she was alive and well on Vulcan. He was dying to ask what she was doing there but decided against it. Plenty of time to find out all about each other, their families, childhoods, desires... Julian’s childhood in particular was an urgent thing to explore. At least he hoped they had plenty of time.

"Can we meet for lunch?"

"Of course, we always do." Julian frowned. What was the meeting about? "Unless..." he added.

Garak suddenly had an impulse to insist Julian left Star Fleet, move far away where he could practice medicine quietly and Garak could just set up a new tailoring business. He was frightened by the intensity of his own desire to protect and possess him. Of course, that would not be possible, for either of them. However, he said neutrally, "Of course, unless ..."

Julian stood up, fully dressed. "I've got to go," he repeated. He began to leave, but Garak stopped him. "I'm sorry..." Julian began, but Garak kissed him. The intensity of the kiss was a bit scary, no-one had ever kissed him like that, but he smiled, "I've really got to go, Garak."

"Of course." Garak stood aside, but slapped Julian's behind as he left. "Until lunch," he said.

As Julian walked into Ops, all eyes were on him. O'Brien wolf-whistled and Dax said, "You look completely different, Julian." Unshaven, with smudged eye make-up and ruffled, unbrushed hair he did indeed look completely different to the usually beautifully turned out young Chief Medical Officer. To say nothing of the lack of uniform. Odo said nothing but looked at him knowingly, even approvingly. Julian sat down carefully. O'Brien gave him a curious look.

"Glad you could make it, Doctor," said Sisko. "Right people. I have some information from Bajor that may affect the station." Sisko began to describe a new political development on Bajor. A violent fascist group calling themselves the New Circle were causing problems for order on the planet. They appeared to operate with little political theory or educated, academic affiliations. They were little more than thugs. Kira went on to explain that they were trading on the disaffected youth, particularly those who grew up in the refugee camps or in the mined out areas, areas of vast, devastating ecological damage. The provisional government, although beginning to tackle global issues, had done little for welfare or relief. Poverty was commonplace - in many of these areas the Bajora as young as twelve or thirteen were either working ten or more hours a day for a pittance in sweatshops making trinkets of pseudo Bajora culture for Federation export, or they were begging and stealing. This was not just affecting the young, the older people in these areas bore deep grudges the New Circle could play upon. People who had been tortured, beaten, lost loved ones, family, homes, possessions, dignity; people who were angry at the widespread famine, disease, homelessness and unemployment after nearly five years of peace. The New Circle were creating a climate of fear, their political protests nothing more than mob violence. The abandoned Cardassian orphans were an obvious target for the hatred and violence the New Circle stirred up. One Cardassian child had actually been beaten to death. So called "sexual collaborators" were also targeted. Women were being beaten, branded and their heads shaved for any relationship they may or may not have had with their Cardassian overlords. One woman had also been beaten to death, another suffered a heart attack while being branded, a third - who had been raped by a Cardassian soldier and had had his child - killed herself after being branded a sexual collaborator. Kira was obviously distressed and angry as she related the events from her homeworld. Sisko revealed that the Bajoran security forces had warned them of the possibility of some New Circle ringleaders coming to the station. He was concerned for the safety of any women on the station who could be a possible target for attack. Kira replied there could be dozens, in the old days of the occupation, women in the ore-processing would sleep with a Cardassian soldier for extra food for their children. Odo wanted to know why these leaders could not simply be refused embarkation on to Deep Space Nine.

"Because, Constable, we have no idea who they are. We cannot arbitrarily stop all Bajorans coming on to the station."

"Captain?"

“Dr. Bashir?"

"Isn't there somebody else who needs protection from these thugs?"

"Yes?"

"Garak. Garak is a Cardassian. If anyone on this station is to be targeted..."

"Of course Doctor. Garak's safety is not something that will be overlooked, let me assure you. Which makes me wonder, is there anyone connected to Garak on this station who may also be at risk?"

"How so Captain?"

"It seems that the New Circle has a big problem with sexual relationships with Cardassians."

"Oh?" Julian looked down, flushing.

"Well, you're his friend, do you know of any woman..?"

"I don't think Garak has ever been with a woman on this station, Captain," Julian interrupted primly, emphasising the word woman.

"You don't think Doctor, you don't know?"

Sisko, of course, did not know how much his words stung. It was true, Julian didn't know if Garak had been with any women, or indeed, men, while on Deep Space Nine, or before, or how many he had had.

"Let me assure you Captain," Odo began smoothly, "that Garak has not had any sexual involvement with any woman on the station," he continued, also heavily emphasising the word woman, "But let me also assure you Captain, that any person," and here he involuntarily glanced at Julian, "connected sexually to Garak will be protected."

Sisko began to say something, but picked up on Julian's furious but embarrassed eyes, as well as Odo's glance. So did everyone else, who all stared at Julian, eyes eager with curiosity. Julian looked down, blushing but more angry than embarrassed. The silence seemed to go on for a thousand years, but it was probably about thirty seconds.

"I think I can look out for myself, Constable," Julian replied with an out of character heavily camp inflection. He stood up. "If you'd excuse me, Captain."

"Of course," Sisko replied, trying desperately to suppress his laughter.

Julian left Ops cursing heavily under his breath in Arabic, which is almost as satisfying as Klingon for cursing, not daring to look at anyone. If he did, he would have seen shock on O'Brien's face, amusement on Sisko's, a complete lack of comprehension on Kira's, and compassion and understanding on Dax's. She got up to follow him.

 

**

 

"Julian." Jadzia caught up with Julian outside the door of his quarters.

"Jadzia?" he sounded bewildered and a little nervous.

"Can I come in?"

Julian shrugged his shoulders, so Jadzia followed him. Julian pointed to the sofa and then wandered into the bedroom to shower and change.

"I don't know what to say," Jadzia called through the door.

"Then don't say anything," Julian called back, "just get me some Tarkalian tea and help yourself to whatever."

Composed as ever, Jadzia sat still sipping a Black Hole - a perfectly disgusting Ferengi drink - and waited for Julian. Ten minutes later he emerged washed and in uniform running a comb through his hair.

"How long?" Jadzia wanted to know. "I think it was more than a little unfair of the Constable to do that to you."

"How long? M'mm about...let me see? Slightly under ten hours, I would say." He sat down - again gingerly - and picked up his tea.

"Is this your first relationship with a male?"

"Hah! This is my first full sexual relationship, full stop. First anything..." Julian looked at Jadzia apprehensively and bit his thumb nail. On the one hand, logically he knew he was lying, but he'd buried both Tom and his Uncle so far in his subconscious it also felt like he was telling the truth. He moved on to surer ground and changed the subject. "At least, I hope it's going to be a relationship."

"With Garak?"

Julian sighed and brought his long legs up to the sofa and hugged his knees. "It's not just this New Circle thing, is it?"

"No, Julian, it's not that. Garak's..."

"Not a spy," he protested, knowing no such thing.

"I was going to say a lot older than you."

"Oh?"

They sat in silence for some moments, uncomfortable with one another for the first time in years. "Look, I don't want you to think my affection for you isn't genuine..." Julian began awkwardly.

"You don't have to explain," she said reassuringly, although she was eaten up with curiosity.

"Leeta knew, you see. A lot of other women I dated guessed too. I, er, don't relate very well to women sexually, you see. But I was in love with you, I still love you. But I love Garak more, I do, I have for years, and last night felt so..."

"Julian, you really don't have to explain."

"I wanted to be you, that's how much I was in love with you. You are so calm, so serene, so in control, especially in relationships. I'm not. I'm scared, really scared. Palis knew that. She felt the same way. It was convenient for us to be friends. That way no-one bothered her because they thought she was engaged, and no-one bothered me because they thought I was heterosexual. That's why, here, I went out of my way to create the impression... Anyway, I did fall in love with you, you know? I fall in love all the time, with lots of people. It's just that I wanted...I want..."

"Yes, Julian?"

"Garak knows, and I'm scared to death now. I'll have to talk about it. I can't talk about it because if I do, I'll go mad. I know I will. I didn't want him to know, but I did want him to...to...you know? But then I got muddled and I made him angry and now I don't know what to do?"

"Julian, you're not making sense." Dax had never known him like this. True, Julian babbled all the time, but not about important issues, not about his feelings. She sat next to him and started to massage his shoulders. He was so tense. He was still hunched up, hugging his knees.

"He's still controlling my life, isn't he?!" Julian cried out despairingly. "He's laughing at me, `you'll always be mine, Julian', he always said that! I hate him! He's driving me mad again!"

Jadzia slipped her arms around Julian and held him tight. Tears that were running down his cheeks splashed gently on to her hands. "Who, Julian?" she asked gently, feeling afraid of the answer.

"Hasan. Hasan Bashir. My mamu, my mother's brother, my uncle," Julian said this softly, in a little chant, and then the horror of childhood washed over his adult mind. "Oh God!" He half turned and put his arms around Jadzia, burying his face in her shoulder and sobbed desperately. After a while he looked up at her, staring wildly. "I'm going mad, aren't I?"

"No, Julian." Jadzia wiped away some tears with her fingertips.

"Don't argue with me, I'm Chief Medical Officer, I know I'm going mad."

"Well, I don't think so Julian, but if you are anyway it wouldn't hurt if you were to tell me exactly what we're talking about here?"

Julian took a deep breath. "My uncle sexually abused me from the age of ten," he said slowly, listening to the words as he spoke them for the first time.

"And all this time I believed you were insecure because your father used to beat you."

Julian unconsciously grabbed his hair in astonishment. "But he did. How do you know? That isn't in my academy record, I'm sure. In fact i know for a fact that all –ALL – my family secrets are just that: secrets. Nothing recorded anywhere. If they were, there would have been action taken, I doubt I’d be allowed to enter Star Fleet..."

" You’re babbling, Julian. So your uncle is neither?"

"No. He must be, somewhere. My uncle was prosecuted."

"Earth's Children Department records are sealed Julian, so if you are worried about Sisko?"

"No, no, but how..?"

"Curzon had some dealings with your father once."

"Have we met Dax?"

"You were seven Julian."

"Oh?"

They fell into silence again.

"You said you made Garak angry?"

"I, er...I..." Julian looked sheepishly at Jadzia. "I accused him of rape."

"And did he?"

"Oh, don't be stupid, I said that I wanted..." Julian put his hands over his mouth and stared at Jadzia, horrified.

"I really do not have a problem with you being a homosexual, you know. In seven lifetimes you would be surprised."

"Tobin?"

Jadzia smiled. "If one of the previous hosts had been, I wouldn't reveal which one, you do realise that, don't you?"

Julian smiled back. "Of course."

"You don't have to worry about anything you tell me either."

"I know that Jadzia."

"You've been very brave Julian."

"Oh, don't patronise me!"

"No, seriously. Not just in telling me, in telling Garak, but in living through that time, in surviving it. You're very strong, a survivor, don't put yourself down Julian. You won't go mad, believe me."

"Everything just seems too overwhelming," he whispered.

"That's because you let the child feel. You have to take care of yourself, reassure yourself, examine your feelings safely, as an adult."

"I know all this Jadzia."

"Of course you do Julian, you're a doctor. All I can say then, is `physician, heal thyself`."

 

**

 

"Well, Old Man?" said Sisko as Dax walked into his office.

"Oh, don't behave so childishly Benjamin. It does not become you."

"Is it true Dax?"

"It wasn't fair of the Constable to put Julian on the spot like that."

"No it wasn't," agreed Sisko.

"Is there a security risk here?"

"No, none."

"You sound positive."

"Garak has been to see me."

"He has?!" Jadzia found it hard to keep the incredibility out of her voice.

"He's requested formal political asylum and Federation citizenship. I've received a full explanation of his exile - with the proviso I don't tell anyone who doesn't need to know. I've even spoken to Dukat to request a recording of the trial. Dukat is being uncooperative, of course, but I will get it out of him by the end of the day."

"Benjamin, I never knew you cared so for Julian."

Sisko shrugged, "With Federation citizenship, if Julian's reassigned..."

Dax smiled. "Actually, I wanted to request a favour?"

"Yes?"

"Julian's concerned about something. I want to access his file, anything that's restricted to command level."

Sisko frowned. "Is there likely to be?"

"A reference to the Earth's Children Department, possibly in his psych. profile."

Sisko's frown grew deeper. "As long as you tell me what this is about."

"Of course, if it's there you could have read it anytime, already."

 

**

Still no patients. Julian spent a productive hour reviewing and updating his research on the immuno-deficiency problems among the Bajoran children. His first patient in two days was Miles O'Brien, with first degree burns.

"Bloody upper pylons again," he said, holding out his burnt hand. Julian began treatment without speaking, embarrassed, not knowing where to begin. O'Brien refused to look him in the eyes. He stretched out his healed hand. "Bloody Cardie technology," he said.

Julian snapped. He had worked so hard with his friendship with Miles. The thought of being held in contempt again was terrible. "Is it homophobia or xenophobia, tell me?"

"What?"

"What's your problem?"

"Look, if you'd fought the Cardies...If you knew what they did to their prisoners..."

"I'm the only doctor here to the Bajorans, of course I know..!" Julian petered out, realising it was Garak under attack. He thought of Garak's scars, a record of torture and punishment. "But that's not Garak!"

"Huh! He was in the Obsidian Order for Christ sakes!"

"But Garak's been tortured by the Cardassians too!" Julian let out before he could think, before he had even asked Garak anything about the scars. He added quietly, defeatedly, "Anyway, he wouldn't hurt me!"

Miles looked sharply at Julian, who was absently playing with his hair, looking distracted and overwhelmed, and beautiful in his vulnerability. Just then Miles could see exactly what Garak saw in Julian. He just could not work out the attraction the other way. "Julian," he said softly, "why didn't you tell me you were a bloody fairy?"

Julian winced. "You never asked." He paused and looked at Miles. "Does that bother you too?"

Miles sighed, it did bother him, but not for the reason Julian supposed. "I don't know," he said, "I don't think so. But if you have to be, well, Garak, for God sakes! You are going to get hurt."

"Then you still care about me? You don't hate me?"

"I don't want to see you hurt," Miles repeated emphatically, an answer enough.

 

**

 

Julian was already exhausted emotionally when he joined Garak in the Replimat. Garak picked up Julian's hand and kissed it. Julian withdrew his hand hastily, worriedly looking around, making sure they weren't being watched, especially by any Bajorans.

"Are you alright Julian," Garak smiled, just liking the ability to use Julian's given name.

"Oh? Confused. Muddled. In a mess. I think Chief O'Brien hates me again."

"Is that important?"

"Everyone wants to be liked, don't they?"

"I love you."

"Do you?"

They fell into silence. Julian looked down, veiling his eyes with long black lashes. "About last night?" he began.

"Yes?" Garak ran his foot up the inside of Julian's leg under the table. He smiled mischievously.

"I...er..." Julian veiled his eyes with his lashes again and blushed.

"I've already ordered for you," said Garak, returning to mundane matters. "Plomek soup."

"Oh? Oh, thank you."

"I went to see the Captain today," Garak said in a conversational way.

"You did what?" Julian looked up, eyes wide with astonishment.

"I've applied for Federation citizenship."

"What?"

"One can't be an exiled outcast for ever, you know. This way..."

"For me? You'd do this for me? But you love Cardassia."

"Ah, but Cardassia is not free."

"So you've finally realised."

"Hah! Not because of you, my sweet darling. I've always known." Garak raised his eyes and snapped his fingers in the air. "Oh! I think there at least two things hanging unspoken in the air."

Julian laughed.

"A pretty distinctive form of torture, really. Always leaves such give-away scars."

"Will you tell me why?"

"All in good time my beloved one, all in good time."

"You mean, not here?"

They broke conversation as their food arrived. The waiter gave Julian a wickedly sexual look. So it's started, thought Julian: the gossip and the interest.

"Your scars invisible though they may be, run far deeper," Garak was saying. Julian stopped eating and stared, horrified, at Garak.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Sorry?" Garak put his hand on Julian's. "My darling, I wasn't expecting things to be easy for you, anyway."

"You weren't?" Julian had been treated like a slag and received so little respect in the past he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"It was your first time, wasn't it?"

Julian blushed and looked down. "Well..."

Garak squeezed Julian's hand, wondering what sort of game they were playing. He'd thought last night that Julian must have been penetrated before willingly, but he'd also felt intuitively Julian had been abused. He didn't want to challenge him with anything. Whatever Julian wanted him to believe was fine with him. After all, didn’t he play similar games with the truth all the time?

"Except that..."Julian continued nervously.

Was he going to tell him about abuse or a boyfriend? Garak wasn't sure he could cope with either. "That," he interrupted firmly, "does not count."

"Doesn't it?" Julian seemed unsure... You make me do this to you Julian. You're always begging for it Julian. This is entirely your fault Julian. You take it just like a girl, don't you Julian? He could hear his uncle's voice so clearly it was like he was behind him, hissing those words in his ear... Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

"Julian? Julian! S'sh, s'sh," Julian could feel Garak behind him, holding him. He realised he had his hands over his ears. Had he spoken out loud? He looked up at Garak, frightened. He was going mad! "Come on, come with me darling," Garak coaxed Julian to his feet and led him out of the Replimat. People were staring, but Julian didn't notice.

Garak had planned to lead Julian back to the Infirmary, but decided it was the wrong thing to do. Julian would hardly want his medical staff to see him in such a state, however much they all seemed to adore him. Besides, he was Cardassian and certainly the Bajoran staff would blame him for Julian's state. Then again, often Garak had found the Bajora to be completely innocent of diverse forms of sexuality. He took Julian to his shop and sat him down. By now Julian was almost catatonic.

"Julian darling, talk to me." Garak soothingly rubbed his back and held his hand, caressing with his thumb. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Jadzia," whispered Julian, "Jadzia, she knows."

Garak nodded and touched Julian's comm. badge. "Commander Dax."

"Mr. Garak!?!"

"There's someone in my shop who desperately needs to talk to you."

 

**

 

Jadzia looked up from the Star Fleet records of Lieutenant Julian S. Bashir MD, "On my way," she replied. "Computer, close file." It wouldn't do for anyone to read that, Julian would hate pity, he would much rather people thought him irritating and immature. She had been right about the reference in his psych. profile, along with detailed records of behaviour problems at senior high from the Children's Department. All graduating officers from the academy go through a pretty gruelling psych. test. Julian's had been more gruelling than most. He had really had to work hard to prove he was stable. He was admitted with a query note that despite all testing the fact he may be hiding more from his childhood and family was documented by the Chief Psychiatrist.

 

**

 

"Oh Julian!"

"I don't know what to do. We were talking and then he put his hands to his ears and started to shout stop it over and over again."

Jadzia sat the other side of Julian, and also held him. "What were you talking about?"

"I was trying to reassure him."

"Julian? Julian! Listen to me. You are in control here. You need to take charge."

"Memories keep coming," this came out in a pathetic high pitched wail.

"Then let them. They are not telling you anything you didn't know."

"He says it's my fault," Julian whimpered like a small child.

"Well, you know that isn't true. Back me up here, Garak."

"Of course it isn't true. How could it be? You were only a child."

"You were only ten Julian. It wasn't you. It was him."

"Bastard!" Garak said with some venom.

"No, he wasn't a bastard, just..."

"Yes he was," Garak and Jadzia said at the same time, and then looked at each other, surprised that they were reacting alike.

"I think I'm okay now," Julian muttered, as the two objects of his affection were gazing into each other's eyes. "I'm really sorry. I think I'll just go back to the Infirmary and work. I'm so sorry." He buried his face in his hands and shook his head. "I'm so sorry," he repeated.

"There's nothing to apologise for," Garak said, putting his arms around him.

"Sorry."

"Stop that."

"I'm sorry."

Garak stroked Julian's hair, then pulled his head to his chest and let him cry. He looked questioningly at Dax over his head. She smiled and nodded.

"Let him cry," she said, "it will do him good. Then send him back to work."


	3. Chapter 3

Garak lay on top of Julian, spent. He rested his cheek on Julian's shoulder blade and closed his eyes. "I never meant this to happen," he said miserably. "I thought we could just talk."

"I did and I'm glad," Julian replied with a childlike certainty. He reached to the floor to an almost empty box of chocolates. "Can I tell you a secret?" he asked, mouth full of chocolate.

"I thought I was the one telling secrets."

"You will. Why do you sound so sad? I thought this is what you wanted."

"It was. It is," Garak replied unhappily. "I feel so guilty and you're behaving as if this afternoon never happened."

"Oh. That? Sorry."

"I love you Julian."

"Do you?"

"I do love you. What do you want me to do to prove it?" Garak knelt up and rolled over next to Julian. He took Julian's face in his hands. "Marry you? I would if I could." He kissed Julian desperately. "I do love you," he repeated.

"Then don't feel guilty, silly."

"But this afternoon, you were so distraught..."

"I just got muddled, I think. Everything is just so confusing right now. I thought I'd worked through this a long time ago, I honestly did. I don't mean to mess you about, I'm so sorry. I do really love you. And this. I really love this."

"You do?" Garak had dreamt for so long about seducing Dr Bashir, about penetrating him, now he had he could still hardly believe Julian wanted it, let alone enjoyed it. That was why it was so hard to deal with Julian's abuse flashbacks.

Julian went on flirtatiously, "I like you inside me." He kissed Garak, and continued, "but I did before, with him," there was no mistaking to which him Julian was referring. "There, that's my secret." Julian listened to himself half-detached, perhaps he really was going mad. It was true, as a young teenager, but it was something he'd never even admitted to himself before.

Garak sat up, confused, horrified. "What?"

"I liked it, it made me feel loved, and he brought me presents." Somewhere deep inside him Julian could remember tormenting his mother and sister like this, but this time he didn't want to make Garak feel guilty, he hadn't been there in his childhood, he hadn't neglected him, experimented on him, told him he wasn’t perfect as he was, how he had to be better, always better; all he'd been was a consistent, patient friend. The same couldn't really be said for anyone else on the station. He tried to explain,

"My parents were always somewhere, doing something. They were never together, sometimes we were with one of them, sometimes not. I was so shy and insecure, and Alis was so aggressive, she was always picking on me. Hasan made me feel loved. I was more lonely than ever when they made him stop. And I missed it, too, do you see? I was fourteen by then."

Uncomfortable and horrified with what he was hearing, Garak didn't know what to say. He wanted to hold him, but felt uncomfortable and guilty about that, too. He just looked at Julian which was a mixture of horror and pity. He was so overwhelmingly glad he had never pushed the issue of sex earlier in their relationship, even though he had been desperate to. Julian seemed even to look younger, as well a adopt the persona of a young boy, albeit a rather coquettish one. Eventually he said, "It still doesn't make it your fault Julian, he was in the wrong. He abused his power and responsibility over you, you do see that, don't you? You say you enjoyed it, but the choice wasn't yours, if it was I'm sure you would have been with a boy your own age. It was the wrong kind of love, in fact I can't see how you can believe your uncle loved you at all."

"Why, because he..?" Julian looked confused and frightened. "And us?"

Garak ruffled Julian's hair affectionately. "I think at your age you're capable of making responsible decisions. I won't hurt you or disregard your wishes in any way."

Julian smiled sweetly, "Then stop feeling guilty."

Garak laughed, and pushed Julian down on the bed underneath him, tickling his ribs. "I do love you so much," he said, turning the tickle into a caress. Julian looked a little surprised and worried. He just wasn't used to Garak being so instinctively honest, nor was he used to being the focus of such love and affection. However he surrendered his lips to Garak's quite willingly, and they began to make love all over again.

 

**

 

Later, snuggled up in Garak's arms, Julian sleepily said, "Did you mean it? About marrying me?"

"Exactly how equalitarian is Federation society?" wondered Garak.

"You tell me first, then I'll tell you."

"Yes, I would marry you darling. I want to be with you forever. That's why I applied for Federation citizenship. I couldn't live without you, not now, not now I've had you. I don't think I could ever leave you. Would you marry me?"

Julian laughed nervously, the intensity of Garak's feeling matched the strength of his desire, and both Julian felt to be vaguely threatening as much as pleasing. He made a fatuous remark, "Would that make me your wife?" Then he looked into the intense blue eyes, seeing only rapt love and knew he could quite happily be Garak's wife, to be loved and looked after like he'd only dreamed of. "Well, yes I would Garak, my love, but no, not even the Federation is that equalitarian."

"And Star Fleet?"

"Um, yes, I could inform Star Fleet you were my partner and next of kin. Theoretically, that should mean you could come with me if I were reassigned, but..." Julian tailed away nervously.

"But?" prompted Garak.

"I don't want to be anywhere else. Will you get Federation citizenship?"

"Oh, I should think so, providing Dukat plays ball - now where did I get a phrase like that?"

Julian laughed, "I should think that is a direct quote from Sisko."

"Well, anyway, I'm sure I will. There is a commuted death sentence over my head, I can't go home, ever, the change in government makes no difference," Garak extemporized.

"Then you weren't secretly aiding the Cardassian underground," Julian said sadly.

"Ah, my dear Doctor, did you imagine I were?" what romantic, naive notions the dear doctor has, Garak thought, alarmed and endeared by them.

"That or the Bajoran resistance."

"Not both Doctor?" Garak teased brightly.

Julian sat up. "Oh?!" he stared, wide eyed, unbelieving he would be told the truth, but anticipating it anyway.

"I was actually arrested and accused of giving out misinformation to the Order and the Military and real information to several resistance cells," Garak lied glibly, believing it himself. To make a lie true one had to believe it. He’d have given anything Sisko needed to hear, and Dukat certainly wanted to see the back of him, and how might he also serve with Federation citizenship was something to explore. But he could trust the vulnerable young doctor with any of this. The fact of love and need and desire were certainly all true, that was enough.

"You mean Bajoran resistance cells."

"Did I say that? I did let some Bajoran children go. Somehow I couldn't stomach interrogating children. A pity they proved to be so deadly. Perhaps one was a young Major Kira. I could imagine her being a deadly child, couldn't you?"

"She would remember you if you had. But if what you say is true, why the big mystery act, why let people think you are a spy?"

"Julian, I really don't think anyone but you ever seriously considered me a spy. As for telling people hearsay and rumour, and a set of false charges, would they believe it, would it make me a hero, popular? To them I would still just be a Cardassian. I can live without that kind of popularity."

"But if you were helping the Bajorans you would be a hero..."

"I'm no hero Julian, you must be blinded by love - or I hope you are. I said I was accused."

"But you're here, and the scars..."

"That is routine."

"Why? Why is it?"

"How can I explain my entire cultural, legal and judicial systems? I don't know! I was arrested, accused, tried, exiled, thanks to Tain, and not, thank the gods, executed."

"Are you telling me the truth?"

"Would I lie to you now?"

"Probably."

"Julian, I'm hurt!"

"Well, I don't know. Did you tell them anything when they tortured you?"

Garak thought, what could I tell them, every charge was made up, I was always far to clever to get caught, but remembering vividly what Tain -it would have had to have been Tain! - put him through, replied quietly, "Well, I'm no hero. A coward would be a better description. It's rather ironic, don't you think?"

"What you do to others comes back to you, do you mean?"

"Is that a human saying? How quaint. Do humans live by it?"

"Well more do as you would be done by, I suppose. Did you help the Bajora? Or the Underground? Betray them? Were you innocent?" Julian demanded childishly.

Garak thought sadly, alas my dear Julian, all of that is true and yet none of it, but you couldn't possibly understand that. Instead, he said, "What do you think, my darling?"

"I don't know. You love Cardassia?"

"And maybe I thought withdrawal from Bajor was best for Cardassia."

"Did you?"

Garak smiled sadly, and then looked ashamed, "I'll tell you one thing Julian, there are people on this station without a family member because..."

"Under torture!" interrupted Julian forcefully. "You betrayed people under torture!" Julian became emotional for Garak.

Garak was profoundly touched by the young man's love for him as he was subconsciously ignoring the fact that for years Garak had been an interrogator for the Obsidian Order. He leaned forward and kissed Julian gently. "You forget," he said.

"No!" Julian pulled away and sat up putting his feet on the ground. Gravity had its way and he felt Garak's semen run out of him. Oh Garak! He put his face in his hands. "I love you!" This was wrought out of him in a kind of despair. He felt Garak sit behind him, encircle him with his arms. "Promise me you're not like that..."

"Julian I'm here, exiled, because I'm not like that anymore, wouldn't be like that, I let those children go..."

Julian turned and buried his face in Garak's soft belly and began to sob, his whole body shaking with them. This intense reaction unnerved Garak, but he was pretty sure it had a whole lot more to do with Hasan and whoever it was Julian had had a relationship with and was lying about. "I promised you I will never hurt you," he told Julian firmly. He pulled them back into bed and pulled the covers around them. Like the previous night, Garak soothed Julian to sleep, and wondered how he was going to cope with him, as he was more insecure the deeper you went.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More political plot than slash this time - the New Circle moves onto the station and we find out, in this alterate universe, Garak was married and has a child, but even when telling Bashir this he can't help obsucate and invent and twist fact and fiction around one another...

"Stop screaming," Dr Bashir said, holding the hysterical woman in his arms. She carried on clutching her shorn head and screamed. "Come on, please calm down." He looked desperately at Nurse Jabara, who held another woman in her arms, who was equally distraught, but weeping quietly. "How can we treat your injuries if..." he continued, but was abruptly cut short when she hit him in the face, still screaming incoherently. The other woman looked up from Jabara's shoulder and began to join in.

"I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything! It wasn't a choice! It wasn't!"

The third woman, the worse of the three regarding injuries, started up too. "Oh yes you did. Both of you. Slags, the pair of you. You always have been."

"Nurse, I think we'd better sedate them."

"Absolutely, Doctor," agreed Jabara wholeheartedly.

 

**

 

An hour later Odo returned to the Infirmary. "Well Doctor?"

"They were hysterical, they are still in shock. They are also very frightened, Constable. You won't get any names out of them."

"You try Doctor. We need to know fast."

"Okay, I'll try and ask, gently."

 

**

 

"This brings it all back," the third woman began, as Julian asked her to recall the incident. "A Cardassian clerk - not even a soldier, a clerk. So vivid, I can even smell Cardassian..."

Julian coughed. "Yes, well, but..." She looked at him thoughtfully. He became acutely aware of another little trickle of Garak's cum. He dearly wished he'd had time for a shower. He smiled down at her. "But do you know who did this to you?" he asked.

"I kept refusing, but he kept asking, bringing food..." she was lost in her memories.

"But now, who..?" Julian persisted.

"Those two, slags, the pair of them, would go with anyone, Cardassian, Bajoran, human...They probably still do! But I... I loved him. He was the only one, the only one... I can smell the mustiness even now, Cardassian smell, so confusing..."

"I think that's me," Julian muttered, embarrassed.

"What?"

"You're not experiencing flashbacks or going mad," he reassured her. "Please, we need to know who committed the assaults. Other women are at risk. Did you see..?"

"You are human," she said pointedly.

"Yes," agreed Julian mildly.

"But it's Cardassian sex I smell?" she looked at him curiously.

"You have an excellent sense of smell. Did you see who did this to you?"

"It was dark. There were so many..." She looked sharply at him again. "But it's male Cardassian smell, of sex..?"

"Yes, it is me. I was with Garak. It's Garak's smell, on me. The Constable got me out of bed. I didn't have time to shower."

She stared, wide eyed, comprehending but not. "The tailor?"

"Yes."

"And you..?"

"Yes."

"So the gossip is true?"

Julian blushed. "I suppose it must be. Please, to return to tonight. Are you sure you didn't see..?"

"No."

"Hear anything?"

"No, no, no."

"Smell?" Julian added hopefully.

"NO!!!"

Julian sensed it was time to give this patient some space. He walked away. She called him back.

"Yes?"

She put her hand on his. "Willingly?" she asked.

"Of course. I love him."

"Then human men are very different to Bajoran men."

"Well, a few of us," Julian smiled.

"He didn't corrupt you?" she seemed very concerned.

"Of course not!" Julian laughed at the idea. "I told you, I love him."

"I loved my clerk," she smiled at him and drifted into sleep.

 

**

 

"Constable," Julian was in Odo's office, having ensured the comfort of all three patients, "none of the women saw or heard anyone they can name. They say it was too dark."

"Do you think they are shielding people Doctor?"

"I think they are afraid, yes, but not deliberately protecting people, no."

"Thank you Doctor."

"And speaking of protection..?"

"Just hit your comm. badge and scream Doctor, I'll find you."

"Most certainly I will Constable."

 

**

 

"Julian?" Garak muttered as he slipped back into bed.

"Hold me."

"Of course." Julian pressed himself tightly to Garak and slowly a tear or two escaped and trickled onto Garak's chest. "Oh darling, you shouldn't feel so deeply..." Garak began, but didn't really believe it. Feeling that deeply is what made Julian Bashir an excellent doctor. "I missed you," he said instead.

"Well, `marriage' to me will mean a lot of this, you know?"

"I do know, and I love all of you, Chief Medical Officer, pretty, pretty boy, and..." Garak whispered something obscene in Julian's ear.

Julian giggled and snuggled close. "And Star Fleet officer," he added.

"I'll deal with that one when and if you're next on the Defiant or on an away mission."

"Okay," Julian muttered dreamily, only half listening. "I love you," he said and the fell into a coma like state of sleep.

While they slept in Julian's quarters a bomb was detonated outside the door of Garak's quarters, another thrown through his shop window.

 

**

 

As Garak never appeared for lunch, Julian went to find him. As he entered the shattered remains of the tailor's shop Garak was sorting through debris looking for anything salvageable.

"Oh my God!" Julian said from the doorway.

Garak turned on him. "Why didn't you tell me why you were called to the Infirmary?" he snapped.

"I, er? I don't know." Julian bit his thumb nail nervously. He didn't like being shouted at just because Garak was having a hard time. It was too much like Tom.

"You can't tell me that the beating up and branding of three women is classified?" he said sarcastically.

"Well, er, no..."

"Didn't you think?" Garak raised his voice again.

"What?!" Julian was surprised to find himself shouting back.

"Well look!" Garak almost screamed in anger.

"Oh God," Julian repeated quietly, hiding his face in his hands, thinking about the women's injuries.

"And I suppose you always tell patients your sexual encounters?" Garak continued, his voice loaded with cutting sarcasm.

Now it was Julian's turn to shout, "Now look..!" He looked up and paused. Why did he tell her? He couldn't remember. It had been foolish. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, looking down again.

"You stupid idiot," Garak said much more softly, "you've put yourself at risk. We've superseded those women regarding station gossip."

"Well I don't care!" Julian practically screamed from the top of his lungs. "I love you! I don't care who knows! I love you!"

Garak shrugged, then turned his back on Julian and began to sort through the mess once more. Julian began to help. Garak stopped him, holding his wrist. Julian tried to pull away unsuccessfully, then looked into Garak's blue eyes, surprised (and surprisingly pleased) at how much stronger than him Garak was.

"Leave me alone," Garak muttered miserably.

"No."

"Go away."

"No. I love you."

"I love you too, Julian. For all I know those Cardassians loved those Bajoran women, but it didn't stop..."

"And it's over five years since the end of the occupation, but they were still attacked. Finishing with me isn't going to protect me, is it?"

"No, I suppose not." Garak pulled him close and held him tightly. Julian hugged him back. "I love you, too," Garak said. They stood silently for a while, comforting each other. Then Garak asked, "Can I move in with you?"

"Of course you can."

"I know it isn't exactly romantic, but I do appear to be homeless."

"But you would want to anyway?" Julian felt insecure.

"My darling, I didn't want to rush..." but Garak never finished as a piece of flying debris hit his arm. He spun round hearing the sound of immature laughter. "What the..?"

"Cardie go home!" chanted three of the children. "Go back to where you came from!" One of them picked up another piece of debris.

Garak took a menacing step towards them but unafraid the boy threw his missile. Julian stepped out of the shadows.

"Why don't you go away?" he asked sweetly.

"No!" said the only girl firmly.

"You don't scare us," added the smallest boy.

"The Federation is on our side, my Dad says," said the obvious ringleader.

"You should go away now or I'll have to call security. Your parents won't appreciate that, I'm sure," Julian held his finger millimetres away from contact with his comm. badge. The eldest, the one who claimed Federation support stared up at Julian with pale blue eyes full of intense hatred. He was about ten. Julian stared back. "I'll call the Constable."

"So?" this was belligerent.

"How would your Dad like it if you were locked up?"

"They locked my dad up," he said, finger pointing accusingly at Garak.

"Bashir to security." Julian didn't, of course, feel threatened by the children, but he did hope they would lead the Constable to the New Circle, who were obviously putting ideas in these children's heads.

 

**

 

After Odo and his team had cleared away the little fascists, Julian turned to Garak and smiled. "I told you not to worry. There is no way the Constable will let me be attacked."

"The good Constable certainly did respond exceedingly quickly," agreed Garak, "but I do remember you telling me some human fable or other."

"What?"

Garak smiled mischievously, "The boy who cried wolf."

"Ah!"

 

**

 

Garak had just packed up clothes and a few surviving cherished possessions from his destroyed living room when Dax appeared at the door, or blown out hole as it was now. He did not acknowledge her in any way, but continued to vainly wipe soot and dirt from the only likeness of his daughter.

"Mr. Garak?"

"Commander? Can I help you?"

"The Captain is concerned for your safety."

"How kind of him."

"I told him you would be staying with Julian."

"How perceptive of you, Commander."

"You'll be safer in Star Fleet quarters."

"I should imagine so, but I wouldn't use Dr. Bashir in such a crude, insensitive way."

"No?" Dax came close and put her hand on his arm. "I'm sorry for all this."

"It's not your fault."

"No, but still..."

"My home is in tatters, my business premises destroyed, and yet, it does not bother me as much as..."

"Julian?"

"May I talk to you Commander? I have no confidant, no friend, except for..." Garak tailed off, and looked down, uncomfortable but needing to talk. Dax massaged his shoulder comfortingly.

"Do you love him?"

"Yes."

"Do you think he loves you?"

"Yes."

"Well, where's the problem?"

Garak looked into Dax's eyes. "His childhood, if you can call it that," he said, desperately unhappy.

"If he wasn't ready to make love, he wouldn't have done so, would he?"

"Uh?"

"I bet in all these years this isn't the first time you've tried."

Garak laughed. "True, but I've never told him that I love him before."

"Well I don't think that makes a difference Garak. I think you're just going to have to work through this with him."

"But it's like being in bed with a child! He's either like a frightened ten years old, or..."

"Or?"

"A thirteen years old tart!"

"Give him time."

"I tell him it's him now, the adult Julian Bashir I love, but he just gets confused, and then I get confused as he flits from personality to personality. He's fragmenting!"

"Give him time and he will work through this, I promise you." Dax paused and looked at the picture in his hands. "Sand is good at cleaning fire and blast damage. I'll get Chief O'Brien to replicate some good, dry sand."

"Really, there's no need..."

"What do you intend to do about all this?"

"Well, bide my time and wait until things have calmed down. Rebuild the shop - I've done that before. As for the gossip? I think we'll go to the DS9 Players tonight, have a meal on the Promenade, go to Quark's..."

"No, I don't think hiding is a good idea, either. At least the dozen or so broken hearted women will be amusing," offered Dax.

Garak grinned. "More like six dozen. Julian is so beautiful."

"Not to mention Eddington!" added Dax mischievously, and both laughed.

 

**

 

Julian looked up from his research to see Garak, holdall in one hand, picture of his daughter still in the other, blood steaming from his forehead.

"I need access to your quarters darling."

"You need medical attention."

"It's nothing."

"I'm the one who decides if it's nothing."

"Really, it is nothing."

"Sit down Garak," Julian said with full medical authority.

Garak sat down and let Julian see the gash.

"How did this happen?" Julian demanded.

"Oh, it's nothing for you to worry about."

"Garak, hold still!"

"I want you to..."

"Quiet!"

"Okay, okay..."

Julian stanched the bleeding and began to close the cut. "You want me to what?"

"Change."

"What?!"

"Dress up. I'm taking you out."

"What? After this?!"

"Particularly after this. I refuse to be intimidated. I thought we would go out to dinner, and then see Hamlet, although you still are yet to teach me to appreciate Shakespeare, I'm afraid."

"Well, if you think it's a good idea."

"I don't think these thugs will attack a Star Fleet officer."

"I hope not. Shall we go, then? I'm sorry, I forgot to instruct the computer to give you access to my - our quarters. I've been busy."

"Really?"

"One of the women from the attack last night was beaten up again, by her husband."

"What?!"

"He didn't like the idea of who she had been with before him, apparently."

"Oh? This racism seems to be infectious."

"Indeed."

"Is she okay?"

"Not too good. To be beaten up twice in 26 hours doesn't really do the body much good. To say nothing of her emotional state."

"I hope she didn't go back to him?"

"Jabara has taken her in, for a while, anyway. 300 years ago on Earth we had places called Women's Refuges. Domestic violence is supposed to be a thing of the past." Julian's voice shook a little, then he smiled wryly at Garak. "A thing of my past, anyway. He's in custody. The Constable certainly feels strongly about domestic violence."

"I should think so. So do I." Garak took Julian's hand and kissed it. "Let's go."

"And you can tell me about your wife," Julian demanded pointedly.

"Fine, but it's not much of a story."

 

**

 

"Most people get married, family is very important on Cardassia. It just seemed the appropriate thing to do," Garak said at Quark's after a considerably heated discussion of Hamlet. "And our parents and teachers expected us to, and we just got carried along with it."

"And it didn't work?"

Garak smiled, "Well, I do prefer men."

Julian laughed, "But apart from that?"

"Apart from that, she asks! Well, the Military and the Obsidian Order don't get along."

"She's in the Military?"

"One of our few women Guls."

"A strong woman then?"

"Oh yes, very."

"Did you love her?"

"We were more like brother and sister than husband and wife. I suppose, yes, I loved her."

"Like Palis and I?"

"Palis?"

"We dated when I was at Star Fleet Medical, she was - is? - a close friend of my sister. Our parents expected us to marry, too. We were more like brother and sister, well, the sister I never had. There was a lot more love between Palis and I than ever there was between Alis and I. Palis and I had similar childhoods, so we kind of suited each other well. We protected each other. If it hadn't been for Palis I would never have made it through my psych. test."

"And we'd have never met," added Garak. "I'll drink to Palis."

"And your wife? Did she love you?"

"By the end, she actively hated me."

"She was probably in love with you then. What's her name?"

"Zaban."

"And Ishetha?"

"I used to have custody until I was exiled."

"Really, despite the divorce being because of..."

"You are jumping to conclusions again, Doctor."

"Well?"

"She denounced me, not divorced me. Standard procedure in a court case. But we had been separated for a long time before because of oh so many boyfriends."

Julian narrowed his eyes. "How many?" he demanded jealously.

"All a very long time before you my beloved one, so why worry? You were interested in why I had custody of my daughter?"

"Well, yes."

"Zaban hated Ishetha, part of hating me by proxy."

"Oh? Who is she with now?"

"My family or friends, I hope. I have no idea though."

"Well, let's hope so then."

They sat in companionable silence, watching the coming and goings of Quark's. Dax was having a considerable streak of luck at the dabo table. Leeta looked up and winked at Julian. Dax smiled. Julian waved to the both of them. Garak laughed, remembering Dax's pointed comment about the many folded Bashir appreciation society. Then he returned to their conversation.

"You said you and Palis had had similar childhoods. But what of your sister?"

Julian shrugged and looked down. "Oh? Oh well, Hasan liked small boys, I guess." He hugged himself and went on, "Father used to hit her too, well more, she was always noisier and more energetic than I, but whereas I became introverted and insecure, she became very aggressive and competitive."

Garak put his hands on Julian's arms and gently pulled them away from the insecure, frightened position of his body language. He held both his hands and there was nothing but gentle compassion in the blue eyes as he looked into Julian's nervous brown ones. "Maybe you channelled your aggression and anger into tennis," he pointed out.

"Oh? Oh maybe. I never looked at it like that. Maybe I coped better than I thought, after all?"

"I've told you before, you have strength, you know you're strong."

"I don't feel it," Julian mumbled, looking down.

Garak stood up and pulled Julian up also, holding him tight. Let people stare! "You are doing fine, my dearest Julian, just fine. I love you."

"I love you too."

 

**

 

Garak flopped down on to the sofa, yawning extensively. "I'll sleep here tonight."

"But..." Julian bit his thumb nail, feeling rejected, insecure and confused.

"Darling, I'm exhausted. Your bed is too small for two people to sleep comfortably."

Julian sat down and wrapped himself, arms and legs, around Garak. "But..."   
he repeated.

Garak ruffled Julian's hair. "This has been a very wearing day, I just need to sleep."

"Oh!"

"Don't be like that."

"Like what?"

"Rejected. I love you Julian, but I am tired. You are younger than me, and seem to exist quite happily without sleep. I can't."

"I do need sleep too!" Julian argued childishly.

Garak kissed him, "I was teasing, you are forever in the Infirmary, you forget to sleep and don't look after yourself. I'm here to look after you now, and you need to sleep my dear, you were at work all last night."

Julian looked down, blushing, uncomfortable with being fussed over. "But I thought we were going to..." his blush grew a deeper red.

"What? Make love every night for the rest of our lives together?"

"No, but..." Julian forced himself not to be embarrassed and looked at Garak seriously. "It's the only place I'm not troubled by memories."

Garak held Julian tightly. "If you have bad dreams, if you feel afraid, I'm right here my love." He kissed him gently on the forehead. "Now go to bed."


	5. Chapter 5

When Garak and Julian met for lunch they were both beginning to feel the stress of the situation. The New Circle had held a meeting that morning which had deteriorated into a fist-fight, and also the same children who had bothered Julian and Garak now had beaten up the Peterson kids - obviously they were now anti-Star Fleet and anti-human. All in all, Julian had had a busy morning. Garak's shop had been further ripped apart and this time stock, replicator patterns and the new designs he had been working on for Leeta's dabo table creations had been stolen. He was particularly concerned with the baby clothes he had made for Lieutenants T'Vet and Daniel Jackson. Julian reassured him the baby was not due for another month, so maybe he would have time to make more if he worked in Julian's -that is, their quarters.

"In my experience even Vulcan first time mothers like the reassuring presence of the layette long before the baby arrives."

"Ah? They never taught that at medical school. What a lot you know about motherhood," Julian teased.

"Well..." Garak began.

"Tell me about Ishetha's babyhood," prompted Julian, sensing Garak needed to talk about something distant. So far the violence had managed to circumvent Garak, except for a minor skirmish, but Julian was afraid for him.

 

**

Meanwhile, Major Kira and Constable Odo were coming against wall after wall of resistance in their investigations. Those affiliated to the New Circle who made speeches on the Promenade claimed they abhorred the violence, that they had nothing whatsoever to do with it, but it did prove their political point. The women victims of "sexual collaboration punishment" were too afraid and guilty to make reliable witnesses. So far all Odo had in his holding cells were six children between the ages of seven and ten - and all he could do there was be stern and hand them back to the care of their parents who they had probably got their ideas from in the first place - and a man arrested for battering his own wife, and Odo would much prefer to see that sorted out through counselling and support, as both husband and wife still seemed to have a strong bond. Hardly a crackdown against the violence the presence of the New Circle was creating. Odo was also concerned for Garak, and even more so for Julian, on an emotional high of first love and first sex. If anything happened to Garak, how would Julian react? Odo felt responsible for the young doctor.

 

**

 

That evening again Garak and Julian went out on a date, if you can date someone you are living with! This time it was Julian who persuaded Garak that they should not hide like they were guilty. Julian even chose a historical approach to defiance - silks, brocade, make-up, bangles and a very loud, camp attitude. Garak was amazed, impressed and amused. This was the same young man who four days ago was desperately pretending to be heterosexual. He told Julian he was courting danger, and besides, if the worse happened, he would not know now if it were the racism of "sexual collaboration" or queer bashing. Julian thought the Bajorans were above such things. Garak pointed out that the Bajorans had time after time proved to be a very spiritual, tolerant, forgiving people, which made this wave of ignorance, hatred and violence all the more perplexing. He had been on the station since just before the Cardassian withdrawal, and never before had experienced anything unwelcoming or unpleasant from anyone on the station. Most of the Bajorans frequented his shop.

Garak and Julian went to a recital by T'Vet, proudly balancing the Vulcan harp on her bump. Vulcan women seem to shine above all other species in pregnancy and motherhood. For a species that deny emotions, when it comes to the pride in and love of their children, it was a simple lie - something Vulcans also deny! Child abuse was unheard of on Vulcan, they truly cherished their children. Daniel Jackson and T'Vet had been trying unsuccessfully for eight years, which made this pregnancy all the more special. Julian had worked with them, developing a new hormonal supplement that could be applied to most interspecies couples who were experiencing problems in conception. It was yet another paper he had had published in the Star Fleet medical journal, and in obstrectrics journals back home on Earth, and on Vulcan (jointly with T'Vet).

After the recital they went to eat in the Replimat, where Garak presented Julian with a Cardassian eternity ring - an ornate, chunky gold ring overlaid with filigree silver - with his double chocolate fudge ice cream mousse dessert. Julian was speechless. Women on Cardassia are normally presented with such a ring either after the marriage (or indeed, relationship) has been consummated, or after the first child is born. They wear the ring on their thumb, but it fitted Julian's third finger, the Terran betrothal/wedding finger, just as Garak had hoped. Still speechless, Julian allowed Garak to put it on him and held up his left hand to the light to admire the ring, fine, ancient workmanship.

"It was my Great Grandmother's," Garak added, a slight exaggeration, but it made it sound romantic and Garak had been researching Arab culture, family history and generational ties were important. It must have belonged to someone’s great grandmother.

"It's beautiful, but I can't wear it with my uniform," protested Julian.

Garak produced a length of black velvet ribbon. "Wear it around your neck, underneath," he suggested.

"I love you. I'll wear it always. This is so romantic. I never expected..." Julian tailed off. "I have nothing for you." He sounded worried.

"You are enough, all I need, my love," and Garak kissed his fingertips, one by one, in full view of everyone. No-one minded. By now people had got used to his homosexuality and were happy to see him happy, instead of his ridiculous mooning after Dax. If only it didn't have to be with that Cardassian!

After they had eaten they went to Quark's and got slightly drunk and then returned home and made love slowly, Julian feeling his way gently, exploring every inch of Garak's body, taking control as an adult should. Garak allowing him to take the initiative, pleased to see he was learning he didn't need to be taken like a victim, showing him he did indeed have power. Julian was on top, taking Garak deep inside him, controlling both of them, feeling relaxed and aroused, never afraid or powerless for one moment. When he came it was like an explosion of light, as if all negativity and fear were spilling out of him. He had decided he wanted to be penetrated, he had decided exactly when and how he was penetrated, he was no longer that small child, a victim, but an adult completely at one with his sexuality. He felt bathed in light, as if nothing could ever hurt him again. He must have made quite a bit of noise, because Garak looked at him, more than a little worried. Julian just laughed and started to shout from the top of his lungs that he loved Garak, absolutely loved him. So Garak insisted Julian start using his given name, Elim.

Realising the importance of how much Garak was trusting him, he came down from his high with a little bump and teased gently, "No longer plain and simple Garak?"

Garak laughed deeply, lost in happy memories, "You first addressed me as Sir," he teased back, "and I might like that again! This is no longer a plain and simple friendship, is it my darling, and you are far from plain or simple. If you are going to scream my name like that, let it be the one my mother gave me." Garak pulled Julian's head down and kissed him deeply. "I love you Julian."

"I love you too Elim," Julian whispered back.


	6. Chapter 6

Mid morning the next day Dr. Bashir was summoned to the Constable's office on the Promenade to provide confirmation and DNA evidence of an alleged rape. The victim was a young Bajoran teenager, truly terrified, with a bruised cheek but no other injuries. She was accompanied by her elder brother, father and uncle. They objected to Bashir's presence. Kira, assuming the objection was because he was a man reassured them of Julian's sensitive, caring disposition. Julian added that Jabara was asleep, since she had delivered twins that night to a Bajoran couple. A thought occurred to him, new Bajoran babies and stolen baby clothes. A lead? He put the thought on hold to hear Odo reply,

"He doesn't know that."

Kira and Odo had seemed to placate the protective males so Julian led the frightened child back to the Infirmary. She seemed truly terrified, but Julian felt there was something wrong. We are all unique individuals, of course, but she reminded him of himself after his father had beaten him than his uncle had raped him. After the examination his suspicions were confirmed, not only were there no injuries, no traces of DNA, but the girl was virgo intacta. He gently explained this to her, asking her carefully if she understood what rape was. She protested that she had been attacked, that she was confused, that he had tried to rape her. She grew more afraid as they went back to the Constable's office. Julian wished she would trust him. As she looked at her relatives she shrank back, confirming to Julian his suspicions. Kira and Odo were in the holding area, so Julian stormed in, about to describe his findings, when he paused. It was Garak in the cell.

"Well, now I understand why they've forced her to make up such ludicrous accusations," he said, staring belligerently at the Major. He tossed her the Padd with the results of his examination. "Virgo intacta Major. No trauma, no DNA other than her own. The bruising on her face was probably caused by one of these three charmers outside."

"Uh-huh, I suspected as much," agreed Odo.

"But the girl's traumatised," protested Kira.

"Of course she is, but they are the ones frightening her."

Kira went out, and returned some moments later. "She says he attempted rape, but was disturbed. She says she is innocent and confused."

Odo made an incredulous noise. Garak laughed outright. The Major spun round in anger and shouted something. Julian sighed.

"Besides, I can provide Garak with a watertight alibi, Major. He was with me all night."

 

"Doing what? You could very well lie Doctor." Kira had grown fiercely protective of the girl and could not see beyond that. "If you knew the number of Cardassians..."

Julian laughed in her face. "He was with me all night. Even if Garak were to rape..."

"Which I most certainly would not," interjected Garak.

"...it would more likely be..."

"Dr. Bashir!" interrupted Garak, laughing. He was impressed by Julian's total disregard for what anyone thought of him, considering his earlier distress at the Chief's reaction.

"What do you mean?" Kira demanded.

"I think the good Doctor has been quite explicit," Garak said.

"I said shut up!" Kira snapped.

"Are you really that naive?" asked Julian gently. "I've told you Garak and I were together all night. Do you want proof?"

"Prove what? That you give your support over and over again to Cardassians?"

"You are that naive!" Julian slapped his forehead and repeated more than a little camply, "Oh God, she is so naive!" then he deliberately minced out, surprising Odo but amusing Garak. Kira was angry and confused. So much of the occupation was still with her, when rape was common.

"She is so traumatised," repeated Kira to no-one in particular. Odo had already left to question the girl's father, brother and uncle about the New Circle.

"There is trauma and trauma," said Garak helpfully.

"Who asked you?!" snapped Kira.

Garak stared into her eyes and narrowed his own. "The good doctor knows about post-rape trauma, believe me Major. He also knows the trauma of having one's father beat and threaten one. I suspect he can tell the difference pretty well."

"Why should I believe you?" demanded Kira, feeling very uncomfortable at what Garak was not saying.

Garak raised his hands, half protestation, half apology. It was a was a good question, actually. "No reason at all," he said, continuing this strange new trend of honesty. Sleeping with the good doctor was playing havoc with his imaginative processes.

Just then Julian returned. He tossed a second Padd into Kira's hands. "The DNA evidence you wanted," he said sarcastically. Garak stared at him, wide eyed in astonishment. He turned to watch as the Major interpreted the data.

"This is taken from a human, not a Bajoran."

"Indeed."

"From a male human, from..?" Major Kira's eyes met Dr. Julian Bashir's. He smiled reassuringly. "From inside..?"

"Me," Julian finished for her, and then repeated his alibi, filling in the details. "We went to T'Vet's recital, we ate at the Replimat, we had a drink at Quark's. We went to my quarters, had another drink. We made love, we talked, we made love again. We slept, we woke up this morning and made love again, then had breakfast and I went to the Infirmary and you arrested Garak. When did he have the time to commit any crime Major?"

Confused, at last understanding everyone else's amusement at the staff meeting five days previously, she offered lamely, "When you slept?"

"Oh really Major, I would have noticed!"

"Oh believe me Major," Garak added, "the good doctor here is a very clingy person. I couldn't have got out of bed with out waking him."

Julian and Garak smiled at one another, a private, intimate lovers smile. Kira looked more confused, but whether she was more confused by two men deeply in love or anyone other than another Cardassian in love with Garak was debatable. Certainly she didn't know. She had known women lovers, had been intimate with women in her past, and had known Cardassian men rape Bajoran men, but never had she come across two men in love. She was furious at her naiveté! And besides, she just did not get it. What could Dr. Bashir possibly see in Garak, even if he did relate sexually to men in that... that way!?

"How do I know this is true?" she persisted stubbornly.

Odo had been at the door some moments and said, "Oh, there are plenty of witnesses to state that they were indeed where there say they were. Mr. Garak gave Dr. Bashir a ring in the Replimat, according to one witness."

Julian blushed a little but said firmly to Kira, "And you're holding the proof that we did indeed make love, aren't you?"

Kira dropped the Padd as if it were molten lead and looked at Julian with disgust, horror and then final realisation of the implications of such a bogus accusation. The New Circle was dangerously manipulative, devious and subtle, as well as violent. All had been expecting Garak to be in danger physically, an attempt made on his life. Certainly not this.

"May I go now?" Garak asked politely. Odo released him. Garak turned to go. "Come on Doctor," he most definitely ordered, to the further confusion of Kira.

Julian followed quite obediently, then turned, "Her father, brother and uncle forced her to do this, she is entirely innocent. They are the ones she's terrified of Major. They are the ones you should be questioning. As you should the father of the twins Jabara delivered last night Constable. Jabara told me they had such beautiful baby clothes, worth far more than they could afford. The clothes Garak made for T'Vet's baby were stolen yesterday."

Odo inclined his head, "Thank you Doctor. And sorry."

 

**

 

Feeling quite beaten up from the inside out, sick and angry at the growing New Circle, and no longer at all safe, Garak and Julian went to their quarters for lunch. Then Garak escorted Julian to the Infirmary with the promise that he would return forthwith to their quarters. However, outside the wrecked frontage that once upon a time was Garak's shop, T'Vet was waiting. She had heard about the baby clothes and wished to reassure Garak not to worry, that she entirely understood and deplored the situation. Julian began to walk away towards the Infirmary, leaving them in conversation, when he heard the noise of the mob. He span round to see three Bajorans jump Garak. Seconds earlier Garak had responded to the same noise by pushing T'Vet into one of the changing rooms, or what had been a changing room in the debris' former life as a tailor's shop. He had turned to face them to fight, only to see at least ten more pour into his shop.

Julian ran back, calling for security as he did so. He flung himself on the back of one of those on Garak, only to be dragged off by four others. Punching and kicking back for all he was worth, he was punched full in the face, and falling back hit the back of his head against an exposed metal strut. Bleeding, he slipped into unconsciousness.

By now seven men were attacking Garak. One of those who had been dealing with Julian cried warning that a security team was making its way through the crowds on the Promenade - the crowd being uncharacteristically heavy and uncooperative. One of those Bajorans behind Garak pulled out a knife, and although the others cried protests, he ran Garak through.

Julian came to just in time to hear Garak cry out. He staggered to his feet just to see Garak slump forward and fall, holding his lower abdomen, blood seeping through his fingers. Julian opened his mouth to cry out, but no sound came. He pushed his way through the Bajorans, who were standing around, horrified, like men awoken from a trance. He saw three men running off in one direction as Odo and his team came from the other. In a daze, Julian knelt down and tried to staunch the bleeding with his hands, pleading with Garak to stay awake, to talk to him, not to leave him, frantically looking on the floor for his comm. badge, which must have been knocked off in the fight. He was dimly aware of Odo standing over him.

"Two to transport to the Infirmary on my mark Chief." Odo placed his own comm. badge on Julian. "Mark."

As they dissolved away the Bajorans all began to talk at once, protesting their innocence, their objections. T'Vet, who had accepted the logic of the child within so had not intervened, rose slowly and heavily to her feet.

"I believe I am able to ascertain the identities of the protagonists and the one with the knife Constable."

 

**

 

Julian staggered out of theatre and leant heavily on the wall. Jabara put a solicitous hand on his elbow. He pulled off his head covering, only to wince as a clot of blood and some hairs came too. He faced Odo, Sisko and Kira with a face now beginning to show bruising and very tired eyes.

"Well?" demanded Sisko.

"He's okay," Julian said flatly, wobbling on his feet. Jabara guided him to a chair and sat him down.

"I'm surprised you are not concussed," she fussed.

"Perhaps I am."

"And perform five hours of surgery, and replicate and transplant an artificial kidney."

"This was a Cardassian infirmary, it is actually easier to work when treating a Cardassian," he argued, then broke off to protest as Jabara began to clean his wound. "Ow! You're hurting!"

"Tell me what happened," demanded Sisko.

"Did you see anyone you could identify?" added Kira.

"T'Vet was there -she is alright?"

"Uh-huh," confirmed Odo.

"I walked away to come here, then I turned and saw the mob attack, so I went back. I think I was knocked unconscious for a while, and the next thing I saw was Elim..." Julian looked up, uncertain.

"Go on Doctor," encouraged Odo, waving away Kira's and Sisko's puzzled looks.

"He was bleeding, I think I heard him cry out, I think that's what brought me round..." he put his head down in his hands. Jabara pulled his head up again and continued to treat him. "Don't feel too well," he said lamely.

"Captain, this is enough. The doctor has sustained severe injuries himself, which he has diligently ignored for nearly eight hours," Jabara said authoritatively, emphasising she considered herself temporary acting Chief Medical Officer. She beckoned a nurse, and together they got Julian on to a bed. "Come back tomorrow morning Captain," she suggested, then picking up a medical scanner she turned her back on him.


	7. Chapter 7

Jabara tutted a lot in distress and disbelief as first she closed the very deep gash on the back of his head, removing metal splinters, then began to set the broken ribs and ease the pain from deep internal pelvic floor bruising. How did he manage to carry on and successfully perform surgery? Did he have that much will power because the patient was his lover, or would he have had anyway? All Julian could say, or rather, mutter sleepily, "I must have been on auto pilot." Jabara knew really Dr. Bashir would have done the same for anyone, he would always put his patients above himself, it was the mainly wonderful but sometimes infuriating thing about him. What she wanted more than anything from this relationship was Garak to see he had some time for himself, slept more and learned to make better use of his staff and the duty rostas. She was sick of finding him asleep at his desk!

Jabara kept both Garak and Julian heavily sedated and asleep for most of the following day, chasing staff officers and civilians alike out of the Infirmary with no news whatsoever. Eventually, in the evening, Sisko and Odo came back with a plan. The three whom T'Vet had identified were the three who had forced the teenage girl to make the bogus accusation of rape. However, none of them were the one who had knifed Garak, and T'Vet was no longer so certain if she knew who it was. Most of the station Bajorans were silent and ashamed, but refused to co-operate, which made Odo suspect it was a station Bajoran who had the knife. Sisko decided to, using Quark, put out misinformation that Garak had been murdered. Perhaps this would prompt someone to come forward with information. But this depended on Dr. Bashir being firstly, sufficiently recovered to care for Garak in his quarters, and secondly, sufficiently convincing as a bereaving "widow". As for the first problem, Julian was fine, ready to return to duty. He promised he would give the second a try. Chief O'Brien, with his usual precision command of the transporter, beamed Garak and Julian to their quarters. Julian put in a request for a double bed.

"After all this is over Doctor. It would somewhat break our cover, don't you think?"


	8. Chapter 8

Garak leaned heavily on the bedroom doorway watching Julian sleepily pull on his uniform.

"Where are you going?"

"Go back to bed Elim. That's an order from your doctor."

"Is there more violence?" Garak's voice shook a little. Such persistent racial hatred was beginning to affect him.

"No." Julian pulled on his boots and stood up. He looked at Garak and shook his head. "No. T'Vet's gone into labour."

"But that's a month early!" Garak was so distressed Julian looked at him carefully. He had one child, had he lost one too?

"I don't know about Cardassia, but on Earth we've been saving month early babies for about four centuries, Vulcans for much longer, so don't worry Elim, she'll be fine." T'Vet, he knew, had been the only one apart from himself who had reacted to Garak with no prejudice. Julian had to admit to himself that unlike the noble virtues of logic and IDIC, some of his acceptance had been sexual curiosity. "She'll be fine," he reassured his lover of his only other friend.

"But the difficulties, the inter-species..?"

"Were in conceiving only. I promise you, the baby will be fine. She's healthy, I've been monitoring her constantly. I've got to go Elim."

"It's my fault. She was with me when those bastards attacked."

"No Garak! If that were the case she'd have gone into labour then -" and thank God she didn't, Julian thought, or I'd have to have chosen between you. - "I suspect the human half just won't wait another month. I'll see you soon. Now go back to bed and rest." Julian kissed him and left.

 

**

 

T'Vet's labour was long and difficult, but with Jabara and Ensign Andrea assisting, and well as father Daniel, little T'Soreil, the newest half-Vulcan, half-human to grace Star Fleet was born, weighing just over half a kilo but perfectly healthy for all that. Tired, and supposedly still relieved of duty (but T'Vet was the only fully qualified multi species doctor on his staff so what could he do?), Julian left T'Vet and Daniel to bond with their tiny daughter and Jabara and Andrea to clear up. It was 1030 hours by then, quiet in the Infirmary, but as he walked down the Promenade he could see an angry mob demonstrating around placards full of hatred aimed at the Federation as much as Cardassia. He thought he saw Winn amongst the political leaders but couldn't be certain. He was about to inform security and Sisko when someone grabbed his wrist in a vice grip and he was punched in the kidney. Stumbling he turned to defend himself only to be punched in the stomach be a second assailant. Something very deep and instinctive took over. Realising the futility of resistance against so many men Julian allowed his body to relax and go limp and protected his head and face with his arms. There were now five of them, kicking him, describing in graphic detail exactly what they thought of him for allowing the Cardassian to do what he did to him. He realised that although they hated Garak racially, he was most certainly being queer-bashed. But then, historically there has always been a connection between fascist political organisation in an area, racially motivated attacks on innocents and homophobic violence and increased hatred. His sister with her love of political science and history almost equalling that of theology could have told him that. She would even have told him he was lucky -lucky! - as even 100 years ago, while the majority would deplore the racist attack, they would turn a blind eye to the homophobic one. After all, 100 years ago in Star Fleet, with his open love for Garak and T'Vet's recent motherhood, DS9 would have found itself doctorless!

 

**

 

"The Constable reports the riot out of control," said Kira desperately, "He has all forces deployed but he's requested back-up from other areas."

"See to it Major."

"Yes Sir."

It was then Jabara reported that Bashir was in the middle of the riot, most probably at that moment being beaten.

"Excuse me," a tall but impossibly thin women of light olive complexion and Julian's large hazel eyes with long lashes stepped of the tubolift. She wore a loose full length dress of red and black with a black scarf draped over her hair, tied low over her forehead as if to control the possibility of any curly wisp of hair escaping. She wore a Star Fleet comm. badge with diplomatic insignia.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Sisko.

"Sheikh Bashir. I've been sent as a Federation aide to the Kai - I believe you requested me Captain? A Major Kira was supposed to meet me at docking bay six." Her impossible arrogance was as familiar as her eyes, but her relaxed self-assurance wasn't. She smiled a lop-sided Bashir smile. "I'm sorry, I can see you are busy."

"Well, yes, we most certainly are!" snapped Kira.

"Bashir?" questioned Sisko and O'Brien.

"May I be of assistance?"

"A human Vedek," sneered Kira, although whether it was the idea of a human spiritual leader or of one of any species giving military assistance was hard to tell. "When our own can't..."

"Winn is with them, ally or foe I do not know. On Earth," continued Alessandra gently, regarding the ripple of shock rolling through Ops regarding Winn, "during the 20th and 21st centuries, water canons and tear gas were used. Riots, indeed race riots, were common then."

"Use water on a space station! You've obviously not left Earth before," countered Kira.

"Well no, not since a child, although Julian and I had been practically ever where in Federation space by the time we were ten." She watched with satisfaction the various curious reactions to her casual revelation. "But I do know," her voice lost all gentleness and assumed an authority similar to Julian's when he acted as a doctor, "the correct constituents for a tear gas that should knock out most species on this station -except possibly Ferengis. Fortunately there is no profit in rioting, only looting. I believe that is one of the rules of acquisition. Certainly it will knock out the Bajoran rioters. May I have your permission to help your Chief replicate some Captain?"

"Do you think it would work?" asked Sisko, unsure how to react to this new Bashir.

"Obviously your people must be issued with gas masks."

Sisko looked thoughtful.

"Please Captain, that's my twin brother in that mob. Let me help." This was unmistakably a plea.

"Do it. Chief, Dax, help Sheikh Bashir to replicate this tear gas. Kira, inform Odo and have masks issued. And inform Jabara to stand by, I expect the Infirmary will get very busy."

 

**

 

Julian was curled up, foetal position, surrounded by sneering Bajoran men, no longer kicking, just using pathetic feminising insults. Then two of the ringleaders emerged from the wanton destruction on the main Promenade and pulled him to his feet.

"Just because you're male and human don't expect to escape punishment."

Julian touched his hair. "I think it does," he spat out, "I never even came here until after the withdrawal."

He spat in Julian's face. "You're disgusting! How could you let that Cardassian..?"

"Inside me?" Julian laughed in his face. "Rationalise all you want with your politics, you're just hurting what you don't understand or approve of but probably want! You'd hurt me if my lover were human, or even a Bajoran man, like you," Julian blew him a kiss!

"Shut up!" He punched Julian in the ribs.

"Shave my head and brand me if it makes you feel better, but my hair will grow and I'll easily remove the brand, as I did for your other victims. You know and I know it's just an excuse, I'm human, I have nothing to do with this and your imaginary fight with the Cardassians! I never even arrived until after the occupation, and that's a long time ago, isn't it?"

Everything suddenly seemed quiet, apart from the sounds of coughing and spluttering behind them. Julian's words seemed to ring out, exposing the truth. The leader pulled out a knife.

"Enough, or I'll you as I killed your Cardassian."

"Do that and you'll feel my knife in your ribs."

He turned to see the source of the voice. "A Federation woman," he sneered.

Alessandra pressed the cold, hard steel further in to him. "Federation, yes, Star Fleet, no. Don't doubt me. Let one man's blood be enough on my conscience."

The other Bajorans released their hold on Julian and backed away. They could see Odo approaching.

"Drop your knife or I'll kill you."

"Oh little girl!"

Alessandra pushed a little harder, enough to spill a little blood. "I've killed once for my brother."

"Drop the knife Habon, it's over."

"You do exaggerate Alis," said Julian, irrationally angry, and then passed out from pain and internal injuries. She turned to Odo.

"Well, if it wasn't for emergency transport and an artificial heart I would have killed him."

"Killed whom Ms. Bashir?"

"Our uncle. The bastard was raping him. I had to do something. I was only fourteen. I took the kitchen knife..." She looked at the Klingon implement in her hand and dropped it as if it suddenly burnt. "So much blood, how can I atone? Julian never forgave me, never. Whatever he went through he said there was no excuse..."

Odo thought that sounded like a young Julian and he quite approved. The new Bashir was an enigma. "Look after your brother until medical assistance arrives. They are going to be busy, and no Chief Medical Officer."

"What?"

"Your brother Ms. Bashir. You did know he was our Chief Medical Officer?"

 

**

 

"I was trying to restore order, to encourage them to see the error of their ways," Winn explained her presence to Kira and Alessandra. "I was here to meet you child."

"Indeed Sister," replied Alis icily.

"We have much to discuss. I am gratified to find the Federation has a spiritual side."

"It is true we have our own beliefs in prophets, peace be upon them all," conceded Alis mildly.

 

**

 

"Like putty in her hands," Kira said later to Odo of Winn and Alis. "She thinks she'll control our new Bashir, but she is already manipulating her. Oh! It is so gratifying to see. I can look at Julian in an entirely new light. What a wonderful sister he has. I wonder why he's never mentioned her - but, then, he never says anything about his family, does he?"

"I don't think he likes his family much, if at all."

"Why?"

Odo told her. Kira stared, horror struck. "Believe me Major," Garak had said, "the good doctor knows all about post-rape trauma, and the trauma of having one's father beat and threaten one."

"And we were so cruel when he first arrived and all he wanted was to be loved," Kira said, retrospectively guilty for her intolerance at Bashir's irritating naiveté and brashness.

"We weren't to know Major."

"Is it common among humans?" persisted Kira, horrified.

"I would doubt it, wouldn't you Major?"

"I would hope so Constable, I would hope so."

 

**

 

“Mr. Garak, I presume?" Alis smiled hopefully. "I'm so glad you're not dead. I'd have hated to have wed and widowed my brother in a matter of days."

"Come in," Garak invited. "What do I call you? Sheikh? Professor?"

"Alis will do, you are family. Where is my Juliana?"

"Juliana?" Garak smiled and said wickedly, "She's in bed."

"Oh?" Alis raised an eyebrow.

"Asleep, recuperating. As should I."

"I'm sorry to intrude. I accompany the Kai back to Bajor within the hour. We have much to do to counter the New Circle and pacify the people. Could you give Julian my love, my special love, and tell him I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Just tell him I'm sorry, I hope he'll understand." Alis turned to go and then paused. "You will look after my brother, won't you Mr. Garak?"

"Of course. I love him."

"I hope so, I do hope so. I actually care nothing for politics, but unlike the fool Sisko I see what an excellent spy Federation citizenship would make - for Cardassia, I mean."

"I would never use Julian to such crass ends."

"True, but a spy will always turn any purpose to his own - even love."

"You remind me of my ex-wife."

"Is that a compliment?"

"No, I don't believe it is."

"Good-bye Mr. Garak. Hurt Julian and I shall kill you."

"I don't doubt that Sister-in-law. You and I are much alike, I think."

Alis snorted, but said nothing more and left, leaving Garak sitting on the sofa alone with his thoughts. In the bedroom, far from asleep, Julian cried. He cried for the sexual abuse, the physical abuse, his sexuality - still far from happy about or comfortable with - and for the past week's violence and hatred. But most of all he cried for a sister he never had, a loving, intimate one. And Garak wondered why he dated all those women!

**Author's Note:**

> When I was young and growing up DS9's Bashir was an awesome thing, brown with a Muslim/Arab name, but yet again ST mythos lets us down and disappoints as humans are presented as this homogenious mass, when in fact we, real humanity, at our best, embody the spirit of IDIC.
> 
> This is just a story, a work of fiction, and I don't want stupid comments on Bashir's sister please, she is not necessarily representing my opinions.


End file.
